Well That's Alarming

During the holidays there are many things that happen at a church.  This is one that has happened over the course of many months, unrelated to the holidays. 
The fire marshall has been hard at work in our church.  Well, hard at work is really a metaphor, or really not a metaphor but what I mean is he doesn't actually work hard. He spends time trying to make his job seem useful. He write reports and has to justify his existence to the county by bringing local businesses up to code.  Churches make good targets for this sort of thing. We never want to offend anyone and of course we want to be in compliance with anything the general public would have to comply with, except taxes of course.
During a recent inspection it finally became obvious that in our 25 years of existing in this location, we did not have a voice evacuation system. Now I have to be honest, I had no idea what this was or that anyone actually had one, but all of a sudden we needed this. Not like when you go to get your oil changed and the guy tells you your car needs new winshield wipers. This is code.  Now of course the exact code details are a bit fuzzy. Kind of an oxymoron to say fuzzy details. Semi-related side bar: I was at a grocery store this week and saw a bag of "giant popcorn shrimp"...enough said there.
So we had a consulting company come to give an estimate. $20,000 to install this voice evacuation system in our sanctuary. Wow. Now we are interested in details. What the heck is this sytem and why do we need it today?
First part. Apparently the strobe lights and loud buzzing alarm are not enough of a warning to get people out of a burning building. Neither is the rushing mass of people exiting the building on instinct. This has to be accompanied by a loud voice instructing people to leave the building. Really? I asked the inspector the obvious question. Are you telling me that when the church is on fire and everyone is leaving because the recently updated sprinkler system is spraying water over the people holding their ears for the recently updated loud fire alarm buzzing and recently added strobe lights directing them to our new and improved GREEN fire EXIT signs, some people will remain seated until a voice asks them to leave? They wouldn't think to follow the other people out or listen to other people telling them to go. "No thanks, I am waiting for the loud official voice to tell me to go." (I hope you noticed all the "recently added" items I listed. That fire marshall has done great work here at the church.)
Well our story doesn't end here. I really thought there must be some common sense in this procedure. We have a great PA system already in place. What if I, or anyone really, yells over a microphone the instruction for people to leave. Certainly since every sunday people complain about the volume of our music, the system must have the decibel levels to get everyone out. Well, that got us a test. In comes the inspector with a decibel meter and piece of paper to write his readings. I got to shout "get out of the building" over our super-loud PA until people's ears were sore. The inspector told me we may or may not be loud enough in the bathrooms, but other rooms seemed alright.  Then came the final question. "Do you have a battery back-up system?" "Yes" I replied. "On the whole PA system?" "Yes again", I said proudly, with the knowledge our system is well protected and safe from the common summer power outages. "How long is the battery back-up good for?" "At least 3 hours", I replied. Well, the code requires 24 hour back-up.  I was speechless...but only for a few seconds. "How long do you think the building will be standing after a fire starts?" I asked. Why would anyone need a 24 hour back-up on a system that starts when the building is on fire? And here come the supposes....suppose there is a hurricane. Yes? And suppose power is knocked out in the area. Yes? Well then you are in the building with no power, no battery back-up, and a fire starts.  "Ok, so why would anyone meet at a building that had no power and just how would that fire start?" was my last question. "Well you are a church, and people come to church. And I can see that you use candles."
We spent the $20,000.