Scam, Spam, and Sham

I am headed on another missions trip in a couple weeks.  I will be going back to Africa where I love to be.  The thing that always trips up people going on missions trips is the cost.  Money not only makes the world go around, but money is needed to make you go around the world.  As a person who works on staff at a church and travels at the request of others, I frequently am seeking people who support these missions both in prayer and finances.  But lets be honest. When we ask people to pray, one of the things we ask them to pray for is that the finances will come in...wink wink.  Many of my trips have taken me to Africa. So as I  look at the letters I send to people, I can't help but think of the poor people in Nigeria.  I don't mean poor in the literal sense of course. It seems there are many wealthy people in Nigeria. I use the term "poor people" as in looking for pity. They can never seem to find a helper to get the 1.2 million dollars someone has left them in a trust fund.  And if only you would help them by paying the $1000 transaction fee, they will share the money with you. Don't you ever wonder who falls for that? One day I wondered about a popular advertisement promising money. "Earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars at home stuffing envelopes. For $5.00, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to find out how."  I sent the $5.  In about a week I received my instructions in a half page letter.
1. Get a Post Office Box
2. Take out an ad for stuffing envelopes like the one you replied to
3. Put these instructions in the envelope they mail you and send it back
4. Deposit the money and celebrate!
5. This is not illegal

So there you have it. I was amused but did not follow the instructions. People have become more clever in the age of technology. A friend of mine had his email hacked recently. I have seen this email before. One morning I get the following email: "Please help me. I was on vacation with my wife when we were mugged. (insert various details of the mugging including being hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe) We are ok. (thank God!) They took everything from us but I have my phone. (imagine that)  I need you to wire $500 to us so we can get new IDs to get home." The wire transfer goes somewhere to England. When I received this email, I had talked in person to my friend not 15 minutes earlier. I walked back over into the church where I saw him and told him of his identity theft.  Then it occurred to me.  With this new scam comes new problems for me. Lets say on my trip to Africa we get robbed and I need money to get home.  When I get to an internet cafe to tell my story and ask for help, all my friends will laugh and dismiss the email as scam. I could be stuck there for months! Hmmm. Ok so as this blog comes to a close remember to pray for me as I go to Africa. Pray. Forget the finances, pray that I don't get robbed. And if you get an email from me in the next couple weeks saying I am stuck in Africa and need money to get home, pray for finances....wink wink.

You Can Have Your Cake and Make it Too!

One of the pleasures of working at a church as the music director is playing at a wedding.  I have played at many weddings and always am amazed at the choice of music people select for the day they will be wed.  Most of the time I am involved in the planning so I can hear stories behind their choice of music, but not always.  This past weekend I was a part of a wedding where I played some of the music myself and played tracks for other parts.  Good thing for the tracks since the choice in music varied from Sara Groves, to the Beatles, to the Beach Boys, to some other artists I could not name.  Beach Boys and the Beatles make you think of an older couple, but nope. The couple were in their early 20s.  So I began prelude music, only to find out the best man forgot the ring.  Not the ring of the groom, but the bride's ring.  It really wasn't worth asking how he brought one ring and not the other, but the father of the groom went to go get it.  Wedding time came and went as I played more music. 30 minutes more. 30 minutes late.  No big deal really, but guests were getting restless.  So the dad shows back up as everyone wanted to begin but alas, one more thing. The dad had prepared a three page written statement for his son the groom, that needed to be read to him before the ceremony started. And he was a slow reader.  More music.  Ceremony starts.  The song selection I was asked to play and sing consisted of one classic hymn, one contemporary worship song, and one bluegrass song. Bluegrass at the end? No. During the serving of communion, of course.  And of course this song was met with cheers and clapping and singing....or maybe just silence and stares from the older people wondering why I chose this raucous, happy clappy song.  No matter. The ceremony ended with the couple being married,  just as we planned.  Someone may have put the wrong date on the front of the program, but at least their names were spelled right, I think. Nobody would have noticed but during a 30 minute delay, what else is there to do but read the program, so everyone noticed all the typos. Nice.
On to the reception. As a music director I always get invited to the receptions. Some are better than others. We always ask who the caterer was. I can't make this stuff up.... for the wedding reception, the caterer was Bagel King.  Thats right, Bagel King.  Probably would not have been on my radar for my daughter's wedding but I have to admit...they are now.  The food was actually quite good.  Excellent appetizers, wonderful buffet style meal and great desserts. And not a single Bagel found anywhere. Nicely dressed attendants, open wine and beer bar, and flavored coffees. Fantastic...really! So the wedding cake comes out and the father of the bride who is a member of our church is arranging the layers. As I wait for the funniest video moment, I find out he made the cake. This guy who goes to our church and has never talked a bit about cooking or baking actually made the three-tier wedding cake. Wow! So I asked him how many cakes he has made.  "My first one!" he proudly tells me.  I normally leave before the cutting of the cake, but not today. I don't even like cake but I have to taste this.  He tells me how many hours went into this project, and then asks me to lie to him when I taste it and say it was good, but tell him later for sure what I thought.  I told him it was amazing.  That really wasn't a lie. The cake itself wasn't amazing as cakes go. In fact, it was a bit bland, quite heavy, and tasted a bit like next-day cake, the kind you had for dessert the night before at a friend's house and took home not in tupperware but on a paper plate covered by aluminum foil that takes half the icing away. (that was the honest part) The amazing part of the cake was that he made it. Of all the weddings I have been to I never have thought a cake was something to remember, but on this day it was.  I am sure his daughter will always remember the cake her dad baked for her on her wedding and they will remember it as the best cake ever.
I love all the references the Bible has to wedding feasts.  Its one I want to go to.  I'll bet God knows how to throw a reception.  The best food and the finest of wines. And then we bring the cake.  He probably has tasted better, but if we make it, he will eat, and say it is good. That's how it works. And I hope you get the invitation to his feast and accept!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Some companies really can hit a home run in advertising with slogans. I recall the expression "where's the beef?" that swept the nation and was used for everything from business presentations to movie critics.  Even though it is gone from mainstream advertising, I love the "can you hear me now?" slogan.   It almost always gets used when testing microphones.  The funny part is when people unfamiliar to a microphone are testing it, they will use the line as if they are the very first clever person to use it in that context. I will usually say "please speak into the mic so I can get a level for you".  They almost always respond with "test, testing" or even "check, check one, check two", since it seems to be the thing to say when checking a microphone. Then comes their best clever line such as "can you hear me now?" followed by an apprehensive glance toward me to see if I thought it was funny.  Depending on how my day is going up to that point I will smile as if amused or simply ignore the comment as if I am involved in some sort of major adjustment to make their voice sound like James Earl Jones.  As many times as we watch shows like American Idol, people are still uncertain what to do with a microphone.  Some people use it as if it were an ice cream cone, holding it in front of them careful not to tip it over.  When I explain they need to speak directly into the mic to be heard, they tilt their head, keeping the mic upright.  Others assume the pose of a rock star singer, tilting the mic up as if a tasty beverage will pour out and they can drink from it.   It works, but it looks more like the "hide your face" pose to the audience (unless you turn sideways, then it is cool).  I also like the "talk with your hand"s guy.  He holds the microphone as if it were another prop of some kind, and waves it around as he talks with his hands, oblivious to the fact he now sounds as if we have a sound system problem that is going in and out.  Then we have my favorite.  The "I don't need a microphone" people.  I am not sure if they are just terrified of a mic or actually think their voice will be heard in the large room.  This person starts with a loud "can you hear me now?" to the crowd, met with a few nods in the front row, then proceeds to talk in a diminishing volume to less than normal speaking voice.
A similar effect is achieved in writing by making the font smaller.... 
Microphones confuse people.  When faced with a tiny clip-on mic, many people will try and hold it up to their mouths as if it were.....well.....a hand held mic. Thus the name.  The clip-on mic sounds great when clipped just below the collar and terrible when placed near a necklace or chain that constantly rubs across it giving the effect of a storm approaching.  A microphone placed on a podium is usually capable of picking up the average voice at the average height.  The same people who hold a hand-held mic like an ice cream cone will grab the podium mic and try to aim it so their voice will flow down into it.  Wonderful loud noises happen and everyone turns to look at the sound booth as if they are causing the noise... despite the person wrestling with the microphone stand.  Yes it is on.  Yes we can hear you.
Can you picture Jesus and his sermon on the mount?  Enter the Audioites. This lesser-known Biblical tribe is full of trained sound guys.  They were used to design many of the amphitheaters in the old days. "Here Jesus, we need you to speak through this large cone so everyone will hear you."  Jesus says, "I don't need a microphone."  Classic.  He turns to the crowd and says "Can you hear me now?" After a few nods of approval, he turns to the disciples and says "You better write this down....."