My Quota of Quotes

As the year 2011 draws to a close, I am reflecting on the wonderful things people have said to me this year. I guess when you work for a church everyone that attends is like your boss. Therefore, some critical comments are most welcome as long as we mix it with a compliment. It reminds me of the passing phrase "no offense". That  phrase is meant to be read as "no offense" as in... "I didn't mean to offend you"; not "no offense" as in the Philadelphia Eagles football team. That's completely different.
People feel the need to say "no offense", usually following a statement that was in fact offensive, but if we say that it isn't, then it must be so. Something like; "Your voice sounded really awful today, but usually it is better, no offense. You must be sick."  Yep, that was an actual comment. My response was "Thanks, I actually feel pretty good. Perhaps your hearing is a bit off today, no offense". And so it goes. The verbal sparring that takes place while smiling and exchanging "no offense" tags that excuse our unfriendly exchanges. Whoever created that phrase excusing our rude comments was an idiot, no offense.
This weekend we performed a Christmas program that was unlike our "normal" music. Our church music is contemporary in song and instrumentation. This program was "classical baroque" with chamber choir accompanied by double bass, cello, classical guitar and harpsichord. We had two professional actors that attend our church read the narration.  I arranged all the music and worked hard for several months to make this different on purpose. Following our performance one person said to me, "the classical guitar sounded amazing, even though it was you playing it."  Oh...thanks?
Earlier this year I produced a CD of worship from our church. I selected the songs and recorded the majority of the music in my home studio. We did this as a fundraiser for a music mission trip. By the way, if you are interested in a copy of this CD, contact me and I will make sure you get one. One of the leaders in our church told me she thought our CD was alright, but if I really wanted to make a better one next time, consult with her to choose songs more people will like. This was after she asked where the songs came from and I told her I wrote several of them.
Obviously these are not the kind of comments I like to reflect on at the end of the year. There have been so many wonderful, appreciative people that lift my spirits to encourage and motivate me. I want to say thank you to those people. I want to say thanks to the thousands who visit my blog every month to read what I write about. It is quite a humbling experience to think my words are interesting enough for others to read, when I place such a high value on people's time. I am really looking forward to the new year. Not because this one wasn't good enough, but because I love to see what God does next. His plan for us is to learn to love better. Love God, love one another, and love who we are, probably in that order but I am pretty sure that isn't really important. The priority or order of things isn't the issue because we are supposed to do all of those things simultaneously.
I have said many times here "God has grace for the human race" because I think the Bible makes it clear. If it's good enough for God, we should give it a try too. So the next time you hear the phrase "no offense", be sure to offer the cliche "none taken" with a smile.

The Anglican Mission Smorgasbord

Well, I finally jumped in. A bit late to the discussion, but after all, my blog is mostly dedicated to the musings of a Worship Leader working at a church. I have no clout or influence, but I do have an opinion and it is usually spiced with sarcasm so I figured I should weigh in. Many people have asked me if I would blog about the recent developments in the Anglican Mission. I didn't think I would until I couldn't stand the stuff I have been reading and decided to add to the smorgasbord of opinions.
I like the word smorgasbord. If I had some of those crazy fonts I could insert the proper characters in place of our "o" and "a" but since I don't...try to imagine I used them and now it is a Swedish word for buffet. Everyone loves Swedish stuff. Who doesn't like the Swedish Chef? Smorgasbord. The word is usually associated with food but we also use it as a description for something that has a large variety. Not just a large variety, but also when you think smorgasbord, you think of all things good. I'm not sure what you call a large variety of bad things, other than trash, but that really isn't important here.
So after reading all the articles on AMiA, I have determined that there is no simple summary so I will take a shot at it. By the way, "summary" means I left out a bunch of details. My blog; my prerogative on which details I leave out. The Anglican Mission in America (AMiA) is an organization of churches Chuck Murphy created when he left the Episcopal Church. In order to be an official Anglican organization recognized in the world by other Anglicans, he needed an endorsement from a genuine Anglican province. Rwanda and Asia stepped in to fill that role and now Chuck is Bishop Murphy. What they didn't tell us (or at least what I didn't get)....apparently this organization is not part of the province of Rwanda, as I had thought. It is a business venture of Bishop Murphy. So when Bishop Murphy breaks ties with Rwanda and leaves, so does the Anglican Mission. And that is what has happened. Bishop Murphy has cut our relationship with the Province of Rwanda.
Editor's note here...I really don't know what happened to cause this and I certainly am not taking sides.
This is where it gets complicated. Our church is an AMiA church, but our priests were received as official missionary priests in the province of Rwanda. So it would seem our church is under the authority of Bishop Murphy, but our priests are under the authority of Rwanda, but not Bishop Murphy. What? Exactly.
As someone who works at a church, this is kind of like a buy-out, but I'm not sure who is buying what. As far as I know, I will still be paid every week by New Covenant Church. Where will we go for the special meetings? That is what all the important people will figure out. I'm okay to let them do it. I have a Christmas service to plan and many visitors to share wonderful music with. Why are there so many other people involved in speculating what is going to happen in church politics? I'm not sure, but I am sure every minute they are doing that is one minute less they are doing ministry of the church.
Smorgasbord. A variety of good things. Maybe there are bad things to eat, but we try to eat the good stuff. If we get something bad, we usually recognize it as bad and don't eat the whole thing. We leave it for waste. Then when we return to the buffet, we choose only the things that were good. God made us like that. We have the ability to choose the good from the bad. Sure we can be tricked, but we are fast learners. It didn't work out so well for Adam and Eve, but God expects that. And He still has our back. Christmas will still come. What will you do to tell the Christmas story this year?

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Some songs become anthems in their time. There are many hymns which have managed to survive the ages, and a few contemporary praise songs have already etched a place into the place you would etch something.  Woven into the fabric of our lives. Every cliche that says it is something you will remember.  The Bible is full of stuff we are supposed to remember. The Last Supper. Jesus says "do this in remembrance of me." And so we do, or at least some of the churches do.  I'm not sure how people manage the rules in the Bible to select the ones they think will count. When the big guy says we should do it, it seems like a deal breaker if we don't.  It's not like other rules.

What about the rules for construction. Some people quote construction "codes" like they wrote them.  A fence cannot exceed 6 feet high when it backs up to a residential roadway, but if it is a city highway, the wall can be 15 feet. I'm not sure if that is true, but it sounds good.  Wherever that code is, it probably is right next to the code for urinal spacing.

Urinal spacing you ask? I believe there is an unwritten rule about how close two urinals can be together. In our church, in the main church building, we have a men's room. It contains three toilet stalls and two urinals. In most bathrooms the urinals have a little wall between them. The wall of separation. Not ours. Our urinals are about 8 inches apart with no wall. In my 19 years of attending this church, I have not once seen two men use the urinals simultaneously. If one is taken, you go use a toilet stall.  In church we can be buddy-buddy and even hug another guy, but once you enter the men's room, all bets are off. No talking. 

Awkward as it may seem, you can listen to the service through overhead speakers.  This idea had to come from a man who thought up this great distraction to avoid conversation. "Sorry Bob, can't talk right now.  I am concentrating on the sermon."
Maybe the urinals are put there as a test. Male bonding. We all failed.

So why the urinal blog?
It occurred to me we like excuses to avoid uncomfortable situations.  Speakers in a restroom give us the excuse not to talk.  "I thought you were going to talk to him" is a good way to avoid greeting visitors on Sunday. "I don't have time to share everything this person needs to hear, or answer all their questions" is a good excuse to walk away from an opportunity to share your faith with someone. Too many people avoid.
Too many Christians use "I want to be nice" to avoid telling someone what they need to hear.
There are lots of stories in the Bible about confrontation. There is no lesson to be learned in a story without conflict. Think about that.
Conflict draws us close. If closer is good, conflict must be okay. Avoidance separates us. If separation is bad, our urinals must be okay.

Apologetics

Because of working at a church, I learned many new Christian words to increase my vocabulary. Some would argue that these new words are in fact "academic" words, but then those people obviously don't get out much. My new word of the day is apologetics. It really isn't new to me today or even this week. I think I first heard it six or seven years ago. It seemed pretty self explanatory. You are saying you are sorry for whatever you have done. Sort of. The church uses the word to explain what it does. More of an excuse actually. So really the word should be more of an excusagetic. That word sounds even better. In Christian circles, when you want to explain what your faith is about or the doctrine (rules) associated with your church, they explain it in a heading labeled apologetics. The funny thing is, nobody seems to be apologizing for anything.  I guess the church is saying "I'm sorry you didn't know what we do." Not much of an apology, is it?
I recently took a seven day vacation on a cruise ship.  This is a totally different way to look at life that needs it's own posting. But that will be another time. At dinner time, you are usually assigned to a table with a few other couples and will share a meal with these people for seven nights in a row. Our table conversation one night took a turn to discuss the "Bible Belt". This is the area of the southern United States where many Charismatic churches are located.  A quick summary of U.S. churches goes here with some stereotypes.

The southern United States is home to many Charismatic churches. The northeast is home to both liberal and conservative churches, but more of an institutional church or political club than a place of religious practice. The midwest has the lion's share of fundamentalist churches and cults, and the west....well the west doesn't really do church unless it is trendy somehow.
Back to my dinner table discussion. It becomes obvious that none of our table guests are regular church goers. In fact, one couple is Jewish, but not practicing (in their own words).  They all observed that in spite of a down economy, there are still hundreds of churches in their neighborhoods. Unlike businesses that we pass by every day and are struggling to survive, apparently if your church building still stands, the church must be doing quite well.
I thought of apologetics. Nobody has asked me what I do for work yet. That is day four conversation stuff and we were only on day three which clearly is demographic discussion night. There really are no assigned dinner topics, but my experience with small groups gathered for dinner has led me to observe this natural progression of dinner table sharing. Day three conversation is limited to where we live and have come from. It's when people really want to tell you how big their house is but drop hints so you get the idea, because that is more polite.  I thought of how to drop a hint to tell them I work at a church, but figured that would kill the church conversation.  I waited for the next night, and was not disappointed.
"So David, what do you do for work?" came the question.  "I work at a church" came the answer.  Silence followed. The Jewish guy broke the silence with "that sounds great!" Others chimed in asking questions about what type of church I work at.
Maybe it was just me, but I felt a hint of "hope you didn't take offense to our conversation last night" in each of the statements. I suppose that is the other side of apologetics. People make excuses for why they don't attend a church. They aren't really apologizing for not coming. They explain what their faith is and their own beliefs which don't match the church. Excusagetics. It's not just for churches anymore.
The church labels it's explanations to people as apologetics which sounds nice and non-confrontational. The church also labels people who don't come to church as "lost" and their reasons for not coming are excuses. God never offered up excuses. Floods, plagues, Jesus. No excuse. None needed. Something about His ways are higher than ours. The church seems to be in the business of apologizing for God.  Does He really need our "help"?

Espresso at a Gas Station?

I just came from Starbucks. Say what you want about the company and how they charge a ridiculous amount for their coffee, but I will say I rarely go for the coffee. It is a good public meeting place. I believe I am on record as saying this before. I love watching people, and there is hardly a place more interesting to watch people than at a local coffee shop. Every time I go, I see the same few people as if they are always there. I wonder if they see me and are writing a blog about this guy who is always there. Probably not. I see lots of people but a couple characters stand out.
The first is this woman I call Betty. I have no idea if her name is Betty but it should be. Betty is about 50 years old and dresses like she is 14. Lots of cosmetics. I am no doctor, but I would guess that there have been a few cosmetic surgical procedures along the way.  She is always happy. She usually seems like she has come from somewhere important, and is headed to another important place. This is her pit stop on the way. She knows everyone. Well, sort of. She says hello to everyone. She likes to be seen. I wonder if she would say hello to the same people if she met them in the grocery store. Out of her element.
The next character is an older man who drives a very nice Cadillac and parks in the handicap spot. He has a tag that allows for that, but he seems to walk okay. This is my observation, not a judgement. His name should be Mario. I noticed him because he always wears the same shoes. Expensive-looking dress shoes. Shorts or pants, same shoes, no matter what. Actually it wasn't the shoes that caught my attention. It was how high he had his pants pulled up. The belt was just below his chest.  He comes in alone every time, orders the same drink, sits in the same spot to wait for it, then leaves after putting milk and sugar in it and stirring it with a wooden stick. Most people would miss him in a crowd. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Except he comes all the time.
Then it occurred to me. This is like church. Making comparisons of Starbucks to church is nothing new. I have read many articles on the same by clever pastors and writers. Not that part. It is about our behavior. I like to watch people. That doesn't change when it comes to church. I notice many things about our parishioners. I can tell you what people drive, where they park, where they sit, the type of clothes they tend to wear, etc. All of these things could make me like an FBI profiler.  Except that I really just seem to be interested in people without motive. Observing to me is like wanting to know more about someone, but not in a creepy stalking way. It also explains why I am frustrated with superficial relationships. The church is just as guilty of this as is Starbucks.
We have many Bettys. They come to church dressed nicely and always seem happy. We expect happy in church. Most of us were trained as young kids to put on clothes you only wear to church, and come to say a bunch of stuff we only say in church. Read that book we only read in church. And don't forget to be friendly and smile at everyone. Why is this stuff we believe reserved for only one place? Betty doesn't order coffee at a gas station. She could, but that's not the place.
We have lots of Marios. They come in alone, or as a couple, or a family. They come not to be social; in fact they leave before most people would notice them. We have no idea why they come. They are the ones who come every week but nobody knows their name. Every church has these people.
I can see that being an observer of people is no better than being indifferent to the people around us. It's not good enough to say "I asked them one time to come [to something] and they didn't show up. I called but they didn't call me back. I tried to reach out to them."  My mantra for the week (and going forward) is "our mission is not to try...our mission is to do"! And you can quote me on that!

The Mafia, Punctuation, and the Anglican Church

A bear walks into a pub and says "I'll have a rum.................and coke." The bartender looks at him and asks; "Why the big pause?" ("paws" for my foreign friends who don't get American puns humor)

I have been in an Anglican church my entire life. My parents took me to church at an early age and I actually have fond memories of church. The thing is, I never knew it was an Anglican church. It was an Episcopal church. I learned much later that most of the world knows of the Anglican church. It is recognized as the official church of England. The church of Kings and Queens. Where all the royal weddings take place. Apparently in America we resent the fact that the church was founded in England so we changed the name to the Episcopal church. Can we do that? I guess some people thought we can. Episcopal means Bishop, which means the church is headed by Bishops. No Pope. But it really is Anglican.  Now, in America, my church has split from the Episcopal USA church and we are back to the Anglican roots and name. But the Episcopal church is also still Anglican. Confused? So am I. A bit of church history here on the blog for you. It really isn't what this post is about, but it helps set the stage.

Back to me. Since I have been sitting through the same Sunday service for more than 40 years, I have most of the service memorized. I could play the part of the priest if called upon. I suppose that would never happen, but if it did, I would be ready. I am the perfect understudy for this role.  I know the lines and the hand motions.

On Sunday mornings our opening declaration is the same for most of the year. After the first song or hymn, the priest stands in front of the congregation and says "Blessed be God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." Notice the punctuation. Semi colon after God. (History and then English lesson? What the heck is this?) This means we say God, we pause, then we clarify what that means to us. Three in One. Think of all the great sales pitches out there. Two for one. Buy one get one free. This is way better. Three in One. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All the same God. The explanation of this is for another time. This is about punctuation.

The priest always says "Blessed be God" then a pause, then "Father, Son and Holy Spirit". We then respond but that part isn't important here. I have always heard it like this. For the first time in my 40 years a priest stood in front of our church, and in one breath said the whole thing with no pause. Big deal you say? Well it is a game-changer to me. He said "Blessed be Godfather, Son and Holy Spirit." Godfather? I suppose I should have had images of the people that stand there at Baptisms and say they are the "Godparents" of the child. But I saw the movie version instead. Marlon Brando was now in our service and somehow we were wishing him to be blessed alongside his Son and the Holy Spirit. Good thing the Holy Spirit got in there, but it's no longer a three-in-one deal.

I know I should probably never admit to these things. Somehow people want their worship leader to be thinking of things other than Marlon Brando. I can assure you it was just a passing thought. We went on to worship God who is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Making It Up As We Go

I know the importance of translation.  Messages can be mixed up so easily with incorrect words that are only one letter off.  I learned that lesson in Uganda which I talked about in a post last year "Are You Talkin' to Me?" It is still one of my favorite missions stories. But this post isn't about that story.
There is a song called "Wonderful" that I liked when I first heard it. The song is written by Malcolm Baxter who comes from our friends in the Vineyard church. I don't actually have any friends in Vineyard churches but I know some people who used to be.  Anyway, it has a great feel to the song and the lyrics in the verses are great. The chorus, however, contains a word I had never heard of.  The word is Humbai.  The phrase goes "Humbai Jesus, Humbai Yahweh" and repeats several times.
I knew that when I brought the song to the congregation they would want to know the meaning of this foreign word.  And of course I wanted to know as well. I started with Google. It brought many references to India, although no translation.  I spent many weeks investigating the origin of the word. It became my pet project.
I looked up the author of the song, Mr. Baxter, and decided to try and contact him. After several weeks I found an email address, sent my question, and received a response. I know the suspense is getting to you and you probably already looked ahead to see what it means, and now have come back to read this part. Welcome back.
If I had to guess, I would have said it means something like worship, or holy, or some dignified church word. Nope. The response I got back was it is not a real word. He made it up.  Why?  Because he needed a word or phrase to go there and it sounded cool.  Okay, the sounded cool part was my paraphrasing of his response, but basically that was it. Not a real word. Seriously? We can do that? I guess when I hear songs that have la-la-la-la in them this creation of Humbai is somewhat genius.
So many times we use words that are unfamiliar. Even unfamiliar to us. But because we know the context we use it by guessing the general meaning of it.  And besides, if it is used in a song, it must be a real word.
I wondered how many churches use that song without knowing the meaning of the word, or insert their own definition.  I say "I wondered", but really it was more of a passing thought. "Wondered" sounds like I spent time on it and I didn't.  I was just happy to get a response from Mr. Baxter.
By the way, I substitute the kinyarwandan word "Imanashimwe" for Humbai Jesus.  Yes, it is one crazy word for another, but I know the translation.  The meaning is "Praise God".

Shofar, so good

Today is the celebration of Rosh Hashanah. Not sure what that is? It is a Jewish holiday, where they proclaim God is King. It seems like it is a pretty big deal. So big, that our church preschool was closed today. If you ask the director why we close a Christian school on a Jewish holiday, she will tell you we follow the county school schedule, and they are closed. I can't help but think of how many things the public school system does that we don't want to follow, but that really isn't important.

I looked up what Jewish people do on this day. It is supposed to be a day of no work. Traditionally people eat apples and honey, pray for most of the day, and reflect on how God is the King of our lives. For some reason, we never seem to hear what the day is about. We just hear that the schools are closed and I guess that's good enough for most people.

Another part of the celebration is to blow a Shofar. A shofar is a ram's horn, or some kind of horn that you could blow, but definitely not a car horn. That's different. An animal horn. It should be noted here that the Shofar is a very difficult instrument (if you call it that) to get a sound from. Similar to a conch shell, it requires a great deal of air and a certain formation of the mouth to get a sound.

One sunday some years ago, a random woman came to our church with a Shofar. She wanted to blow it in the service during worship. I told her thanks, but no thanks. She went and found our pastor. I'm not sure how much money she agreed to put in the plate, but I was told she was approved to blow the horn at the end of our service on the last song. Well, the last song was Days of Elijah. A perfect song for the Shofar. There is a line in the song "at the trumpet call". Cue the Shofar!
So we begin the song with the woman standing on the stage to my right. Here comes the chorus. Here comes the line...."at the trumpet call!".....nothing. I figure she is waiting for the finale, so no big deal. Next chorus....nothing. One more time for the chorus and it is a double chorus. I turn to see a woman with cheeks as puffed out as big as if she had 30 marshmallows stuffed in each one. Her face was as purple-red as a beet. Not a puff of sound came from that horn. I had to look away. Last time...nothing. It was like a car wreck. You know it's bad, but something compells you to look. She was going to explode. Just then came the sound. The mighty sound of a Shofar. Or pehaps the sound as if we just let a little bit of air from a big balloon. The song ended. She did not. She continued to blow as hard as she could. Finally the sound of a beached baby whale came forth. I have never before heard a beached baby whale make a sound, but I am certain it would sound exactly like that.
She looked at me and signaled for the band to keep playing. "One more time!" she yelled. "I don't think so" is what I thought as I put my guitar on the stand and thanked her half-heartedly for coming. We never saw her again. If she ever comes back I will refer her as a guest to play for our preschool on Rosh Hashanah.

Rob Bell, Francis Chan, and the Daytona Cubs

If you look at the title of my blog, you may be wondering what do all these things have in common?  For those of you who remember Sesame Street it is like the "one of these things is not like the other".  Obviously we have two of the more trendy Pastors and a minor league baseball team.  If you are not familiar with Rob Bell, I will introduce you. He is a trendy glasses-wearing Pastor who made a series of videos, each about 15 minutes long and all with a really cool message. The problem is he talks to us while some distracting event is happening in the background. I have a real problem with attention deficit so I find myself very distracted with what is happening around him and not paying enough attention to what he is saying. His videos are pretty popular among the 20-30 something crowds.  Francis Chan is also a Pastor. I would put him in the category of "rebellious trendy". That means while he says he is not trendy, he sure looks like he is, but in a different kind of way.  He also has a series of videos where strange things are happening while he talks. In both cases of Rob Bell and Francis Chan, it is almost as if they were unaware the film crew was showing up that day and they do the talk anyway while being followed.
Also common in these short films are the shaky camera operators.  Many times we see a closeup of hands instead of the guy speaking.  I noticed something about this type of camera work.  It has a different effect on age generations. The younger group sees this type of filming and thinks nothing of the camera angles and bizarre close-ups of extremities. It is normal to them. The middle-aged people see it, know it is done on purpose, but can't figure out why anyone would do that.  The last group, the elderly folks can't believe they left those mistakes in the film. They see a shaky camera as a bad camera man who probably got fired after the making of this silly video. Unfortunately there was not enough money to do a re-shoot of the scene so they left it in.
This takes me to my Daytona Cubs. Observe this video of me throwing out the first pitch at a recent game. How I got to do this is not really important to the blog.

The key words in this video are "first pitch". I have many people who asked me if I really struck the guy out. Really? On the first pitch? Never mind the fact that they would let all those extra people on the field while I pitch to a real batter with an umpire. I did a bit of simple editing. Not to fool anyone, but because I thought it would be funny. I guess Rob Bell and Francis Chan think the same with their videos. They aren't trying to fool anyone, just give a message about God. I bet God gets frustrated with us when people read the Bible.  His work is pretty straight-forward but we manage to look at the stuff in the background and be confused. Same rules apply as the videos but take away 20 years. The little kids hear it and think it sounds normal. Teens to 30 somethings hear it, get it, but are not sure why God did it this way. Middle age to older people hear it and find all the mistakes and controversy in it. They figure that people got in the way of God's word. 

At the end of the Cubs game they let all the kids on the field to run the bases. I went out and ran the bases with the kids. I like being young.

Nothing New, Part Two

Well now this blog is appropriately titled I would say.  Definitely there is nothing new in a "part two" despite Hollywood's efforts to get us to think it might be.  Part two is merely an extension of the first thing you did, but that isn't the point here.
I go to Starbucks way too often. Not because I love the coffee, but because it is a convenient place to meet people. It's close by, it is free to go there, you can buy a drink, and they have casual seating.  We need a place like that, a kind of daytime club.  A coffee bar.  Let's clear some things up. I'm not talking about "meet people" like a single person would do in a bar, but more like meet people; as in arrange to get together for a meeting.  Sometimes I meet people who don't normally go to Starbucks.  It is a new experience for them. We order drinks like Lattes in sizes that are trendy sounding, unless you are Italian. Apparently anything in our own language is not trendy unless you improperly use the word with a "new" definition.  When I was a kid, good stuff became "bad".  Michael Jackson even wrote a little tune about the new meaning of bad for us.  "Word" means an answer in the affirmative.  We don't actually have any new words. We recycle the current ones and give them meanings that will confuse people who feel as if they have a handle on the English language.
Consider the World Wide Web.  This is the www we put in front of an address to find something electronically.  Finding an address is nothing new. They made maps for that.  Still do. You find things on the web. A web is what a spider makes.  But this web we surf on.  Confused yet? We program web addresses using Hypertext Markup Language.  Hypertext. Sounds like a term from Star Trek.  Learning a foreign language just became trendy.
Who understands all this stuff?  Lucky for us there are internet providers. A provider is such a friendly, helpful term.  There are web hosts. Once again, sounds friendly, helpful, and free. But they are not.
Consider your computer.  You need security. You better have a good firewall.  I bet you didn't know your computer would catch on fire without one.  Or worse. Your computer can catch a virus. That is bad. But if you have a video that goes viral? That is good. Rip music from a CD is fine. Rip off a CD from the store and you go to jail.
Do you have a DVD burner? Do you want to burn CDs? Will it work if I have a firewall installed? How many ports do you have, matey? Dual drives, givin' her all she's got Captain? (2 Star Trek references in one blog!) Not enough memory? My computer is frozen, yet is very warm to the touch.  One stroke (rowing) on the keyboard (typewriter) in the upper left (boxing) for a quick escape (magician or criminal).
I heard a sermon recently where we were given the ancient Greek translation of a simple English word in the Bible. The Greek word was described as having a different meaning than we were familiar with when translated into English. And so it makes sense.  Really, it does.  There are so many new translations of the Bible.  Even the stoic King James translation gets updated every few decades. Why? Because we make new uses for words that already had a perfectly good definition instead of creating a new word altogether. The original meaning of "bad" no longer represents "bad", so we have to make a new translation. The ancient words don't change, our words do.  Same word; part two.  After all, it seems easier to transition a word we are already familiar with into a new meaning. And it can be trendy. Trendy, by the way, is a hip replacement.  Sorry to my readers with lesser English skills, that was a joke.
Nothing new under the sun you say? Lucky for us God is still the same today, tomorrow and yesterday.

Nothing New, Part One

In the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 1, verse 9, it says "what has been done is what will be and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun." This Bible verse has been quoted and used with variations in many places. I guess that makes it like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Another familiar version of this is "history repeats itself". So many bands have used this as well like Sublime, Extreme, Coldplay, Meatloaf, Pink Floyd.  I'm sure each of these bands presents their song as new, while singing "there is nothing new".  Ironic. It is interesting how you can look at what is new.  A song can be new...or is it?  With only 13 notes in the western music arsenal, how many ways can we arrange them to form a melody nobody has heard? Check out Axis of Awesome sometime on Youtube. They have a video showing a 4 chord progression that is used by countless songs. The same music, yet different ways to sing around that same music.  It makes all of these songs sound as if they are the same song. Sometimes the bands don't even know they are repeating music already done. They may feel as if they have created something new, until someone compares their song in court to an obscure tune written 30 years ago by Jimmy-Bob's uncle.
If we look around at new stuff, we can find that many times it is not really new, but perhaps improved somehow.  There are the fancy labels of new AND improved, which to me is an oxymoron.  How could anything be improved if it wasn't there before? Improved from what? It is either new OR it is improved, pick one please.
The church tries to do that too often. We think we have created something new. "Let's try this new idea" "Lets use this Bible verse (2000 years old), and combine it with this sermon I heard (2 weeks ago but with a story that was 35 years old), and throw in a video clip (from a movie created 3 years ago) and it is new!
So can we make a case for anything new? Our church has many young families. In the last few weeks we have seen the birth of some new babies. They seem pretty new to me. They weren't here a year ago and I didn't interview the parents, but even just the idea of this person didn't exist before the parents met.  I know God knew, but these people didn't.  If we measure it against the verse mentioned earlier, certainly making babies has been done, so in that regard, a new baby is not something people haven't done before.
Happy New Year, a new car, New York.  Look how many things are labeled new. Open a new browser, write a new blog post, or let's just watch the news on television. We do think of new as better.  Who buys a used projector when you can buy a new one? Challenge the Bible verse above by telling me what you think is new under the sun. I will challenge you to think outside your definition of new and try the Bible's version.  Also keep in mind while there is nothing new for us, God can create new, and we are not God.  Read part two next week on the internet and coffee.  For those of you reading this later, you won't have to wait for next week. You can read it now.

Mergers, Easter Bunnies, and a Spanish church

We are merging with another church. Sort of. A few people are joining our congregation. I don't know if that qualifies as a merger but it sounds like we are moving forward into new things. Church mergers are scary to me if I am being honest. Rarely do two churches think alike enough to become one.
One time we were approached by a Pentecostal Spanish pastor who wanted to use our church. The building of course, not really the people; which most scholars would say is the church, but that really isn't the point.  We agreed to let them have services on Saturday nights. Not really services as in more than one, just one service around 4pm.  They wanted to bring their own sound system. I was in support of that. Too many problems to fight on Sunday morning trying to figure out what settings were changed and not put back. Little did I know that wouldn't be my problem.
I keep a small refrigerator in my office. I use it to keep drinks cold for my band and singers. One year when my daughters were young, someone at church was selling gourmet chocolate bunnies for Easter as a fundraiser for their school.  I am well aware that the selling of bunnies in church could be a whole blog subject in itself, but let's try to move past the fundraiser. I bought three of them, one for each of my girls. As a surprise, I kept them in my refrigerator at work so my daughters wouldn't know, thus the term surprise.
One happy sunday morning, as I opened my refrigerator for a drink I was horrified to see a box had been opened. upon further inspection the ears were missing from one of the bunnies. Are you kidding me? I had to wonder if the Pentecostals thought the bunnies were un-religious (my blog, my right to make up words) and chose to teach me a lesson, or if they were just hungry. Either way, they stole from my daughters. At a church. From a pastor's office.  Obviously our churches were not compatible.  Soon after, unrelated to the bunny incident, we parted ways. An un-merger, if you will.
I sometimes ponder the bunny event.  I think of Psalm 78. In the opening verse it says "Give ear O my people to my teaching"  So I know they ate the bunny during the sermon.  Then it says "incline your ears to the words of my mouth".  A bunnies ears are inclined. They stick straight up and went right into someone's mouth. What does God think about stuff like bunnies and mergers? Check out Paul's letter to the  Ephesians at the end of Chapter 2. There are no strangers or aliens. Good to know, but those History channel programs are still cool. Then something about joining together which grows into a holy temple in God. Great. But I still want my 8 dollars back. And I bet you wonder which of the three daughters got short-changed on Easter with a Walmart bunny instead of the gourmet chocolate? The truth is I really don't remember how it turned out. I suppose that is how God's grace works for me and I guess that's ok.

Man and Woman

There are many stereotypes when it comes to men and women. I love it when people compare a man's brain to a woman's brain.  You always hear the word multi-task associated with women.  Men are made to seem simple. But we are created in God's image and from what I can tell God is pretty good at multi-tasking. Don't use the word image and say it means we look like God because I am pretty sure that doesn't hold true for every human. Made in the image of, like if you are copying a disc image. You can use a different disc, and most people can't tell by looking at the outside what the image is.  Way too many sermons on this point and it wasn't what my blog is about so onward.
I think women like to shop.  Men also like to shop but only if we can make big purchases. It is lots of fun to buy a TV or a car, or something that costs a bunch of money. No fun to buy a pack of gum. Why, you may ask?  Nobody looks at the guy walking out of the store with a pack of gum.  If you are leaving the store with a big screen TV everyone looks. "Wow, I wonder where he will put that?" Suppose you shop at Sam's Club or Costco.  There are only two reasons to shop there. One is the samples. Who doesn't like free food? Don't forget about the opportunity to pretend like you might be interested in what they have on that table or that you will actually buy some after tasting it. Reason two is to buy stuff in quantity.  Not one jar of spaghetti sauce, but a whole case.  And of course everyone looks at the guy who has one of those flat carts filled with stuff. "He must own a restaurant. I wonder which one?"
Today I received email approval from our financial board to buy two new projectors for the church. These things cost a couple thousand dollars each. I can buy them online, but somehow there is no pleasure in that.  I want to talk to a person who will affirm my importance to purchase two expensive electronic things.  After all, this is the epitome of man versus woman.  If I were a caveman I would drag the projectors into the church in the middle of a sunday service and say, "Here! I bring you new projectors!" The crowd roars with excitement, despite the fact we are cavemen and they wouldn't know what a projector was. I guess I wouldn't be able to get one either, but that isn't the point.
The point is I am buying big stuff. I am made in God's image. A little bit of algebra and logic tells me God likes big stuff.  Really big stuff.  The cool part is He can make it. Universe. Big. Done. But since we are all made in the image, how does a woman have the imprint of God?  I guess He likes details and small stuff as well. Too chauvinistic of an approach to men and women? Take it up with God. It's not my fault. And be sure to say "wow" when you see the new projectors in church!

Travel Mercies

I realize that I made no blog post in July. Sorry about that. It is because I left to visit Africa for most of the month. I now have many great posts in the cue, so expect August to be a busy month.  So lets get right to it!
I don't know where the term travel mercies came from, but it is one of my favorite Christian phrases. Let's pray for "travel mercies".  It is so very generic, and yet it sounds like a good idea.  I just returned from a missions trip to Africa.  The plane ride and layover travel time combined is about 36 hours.  I have traveled many times before and I have a few travel peeves to pray for in my "mercies" request.  I will address any potential travel companions who might read this blog post.  First of all, I really don't want to switch my aisle seat for a middle seat.  Speaking of seats, if you are asked to put your seat up to accommodate the meal time, it is not for your comfort. It is for the person behind you who doesn't want your head in their face as they try to eat. So when you finish your meal you may not put the seat back until I am done. Thank you. If you are sitting next to me at the window, when I get up to use the bathroom this is a good time for you to go as well. Sorry about my mean face when I sit back down and then you decide to go. If you are sitting next to me and have long legs, sorry about that, but the boundary for my seat space extends all the way to the floor so get your legs and feet out of my space and back under your seat.  The arm rest is fair game for battle. As soon as you reach for your book or tray table I will put my arm on the arm rest. I won't move it when you pretend to rub accidentally against my arm, but I will try that trick on you.  If you bring a bratwurst sandwich onboard to eat later, pack it in a ziplock bag please.
When the plane arrives we should always applaud, even in the U.S. because it is quite a performance to land this huge piece of metal with 240 people and their stuff safely.  You are not saving any time by standing up to get your stuff early.  We all have to wait to get off the airplane anyway.  I will pretend I don't see you trying to squeeze by me to get off the plane before everyone else waiting.  And I can't hear your repeatedly saying "excuse me".  Now that I have said my part, please leave a comment telling me YOUR travel peeve. I pray for comment mercies.

Scam, Spam, and Sham

I am headed on another missions trip in a couple weeks.  I will be going back to Africa where I love to be.  The thing that always trips up people going on missions trips is the cost.  Money not only makes the world go around, but money is needed to make you go around the world.  As a person who works on staff at a church and travels at the request of others, I frequently am seeking people who support these missions both in prayer and finances.  But lets be honest. When we ask people to pray, one of the things we ask them to pray for is that the finances will come in...wink wink.  Many of my trips have taken me to Africa. So as I  look at the letters I send to people, I can't help but think of the poor people in Nigeria.  I don't mean poor in the literal sense of course. It seems there are many wealthy people in Nigeria. I use the term "poor people" as in looking for pity. They can never seem to find a helper to get the 1.2 million dollars someone has left them in a trust fund.  And if only you would help them by paying the $1000 transaction fee, they will share the money with you. Don't you ever wonder who falls for that? One day I wondered about a popular advertisement promising money. "Earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars at home stuffing envelopes. For $5.00, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to find out how."  I sent the $5.  In about a week I received my instructions in a half page letter.
1. Get a Post Office Box
2. Take out an ad for stuffing envelopes like the one you replied to
3. Put these instructions in the envelope they mail you and send it back
4. Deposit the money and celebrate!
5. This is not illegal

So there you have it. I was amused but did not follow the instructions. People have become more clever in the age of technology. A friend of mine had his email hacked recently. I have seen this email before. One morning I get the following email: "Please help me. I was on vacation with my wife when we were mugged. (insert various details of the mugging including being hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe) We are ok. (thank God!) They took everything from us but I have my phone. (imagine that)  I need you to wire $500 to us so we can get new IDs to get home." The wire transfer goes somewhere to England. When I received this email, I had talked in person to my friend not 15 minutes earlier. I walked back over into the church where I saw him and told him of his identity theft.  Then it occurred to me.  With this new scam comes new problems for me. Lets say on my trip to Africa we get robbed and I need money to get home.  When I get to an internet cafe to tell my story and ask for help, all my friends will laugh and dismiss the email as scam. I could be stuck there for months! Hmmm. Ok so as this blog comes to a close remember to pray for me as I go to Africa. Pray. Forget the finances, pray that I don't get robbed. And if you get an email from me in the next couple weeks saying I am stuck in Africa and need money to get home, pray for finances....wink wink.

You Can Have Your Cake and Make it Too!

One of the pleasures of working at a church as the music director is playing at a wedding.  I have played at many weddings and always am amazed at the choice of music people select for the day they will be wed.  Most of the time I am involved in the planning so I can hear stories behind their choice of music, but not always.  This past weekend I was a part of a wedding where I played some of the music myself and played tracks for other parts.  Good thing for the tracks since the choice in music varied from Sara Groves, to the Beatles, to the Beach Boys, to some other artists I could not name.  Beach Boys and the Beatles make you think of an older couple, but nope. The couple were in their early 20s.  So I began prelude music, only to find out the best man forgot the ring.  Not the ring of the groom, but the bride's ring.  It really wasn't worth asking how he brought one ring and not the other, but the father of the groom went to go get it.  Wedding time came and went as I played more music. 30 minutes more. 30 minutes late.  No big deal really, but guests were getting restless.  So the dad shows back up as everyone wanted to begin but alas, one more thing. The dad had prepared a three page written statement for his son the groom, that needed to be read to him before the ceremony started. And he was a slow reader.  More music.  Ceremony starts.  The song selection I was asked to play and sing consisted of one classic hymn, one contemporary worship song, and one bluegrass song. Bluegrass at the end? No. During the serving of communion, of course.  And of course this song was met with cheers and clapping and singing....or maybe just silence and stares from the older people wondering why I chose this raucous, happy clappy song.  No matter. The ceremony ended with the couple being married,  just as we planned.  Someone may have put the wrong date on the front of the program, but at least their names were spelled right, I think. Nobody would have noticed but during a 30 minute delay, what else is there to do but read the program, so everyone noticed all the typos. Nice.
On to the reception. As a music director I always get invited to the receptions. Some are better than others. We always ask who the caterer was. I can't make this stuff up.... for the wedding reception, the caterer was Bagel King.  Thats right, Bagel King.  Probably would not have been on my radar for my daughter's wedding but I have to admit...they are now.  The food was actually quite good.  Excellent appetizers, wonderful buffet style meal and great desserts. And not a single Bagel found anywhere. Nicely dressed attendants, open wine and beer bar, and flavored coffees. Fantastic...really! So the wedding cake comes out and the father of the bride who is a member of our church is arranging the layers. As I wait for the funniest video moment, I find out he made the cake. This guy who goes to our church and has never talked a bit about cooking or baking actually made the three-tier wedding cake. Wow! So I asked him how many cakes he has made.  "My first one!" he proudly tells me.  I normally leave before the cutting of the cake, but not today. I don't even like cake but I have to taste this.  He tells me how many hours went into this project, and then asks me to lie to him when I taste it and say it was good, but tell him later for sure what I thought.  I told him it was amazing.  That really wasn't a lie. The cake itself wasn't amazing as cakes go. In fact, it was a bit bland, quite heavy, and tasted a bit like next-day cake, the kind you had for dessert the night before at a friend's house and took home not in tupperware but on a paper plate covered by aluminum foil that takes half the icing away. (that was the honest part) The amazing part of the cake was that he made it. Of all the weddings I have been to I never have thought a cake was something to remember, but on this day it was.  I am sure his daughter will always remember the cake her dad baked for her on her wedding and they will remember it as the best cake ever.
I love all the references the Bible has to wedding feasts.  Its one I want to go to.  I'll bet God knows how to throw a reception.  The best food and the finest of wines. And then we bring the cake.  He probably has tasted better, but if we make it, he will eat, and say it is good. That's how it works. And I hope you get the invitation to his feast and accept!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Some companies really can hit a home run in advertising with slogans. I recall the expression "where's the beef?" that swept the nation and was used for everything from business presentations to movie critics.  Even though it is gone from mainstream advertising, I love the "can you hear me now?" slogan.   It almost always gets used when testing microphones.  The funny part is when people unfamiliar to a microphone are testing it, they will use the line as if they are the very first clever person to use it in that context. I will usually say "please speak into the mic so I can get a level for you".  They almost always respond with "test, testing" or even "check, check one, check two", since it seems to be the thing to say when checking a microphone. Then comes their best clever line such as "can you hear me now?" followed by an apprehensive glance toward me to see if I thought it was funny.  Depending on how my day is going up to that point I will smile as if amused or simply ignore the comment as if I am involved in some sort of major adjustment to make their voice sound like James Earl Jones.  As many times as we watch shows like American Idol, people are still uncertain what to do with a microphone.  Some people use it as if it were an ice cream cone, holding it in front of them careful not to tip it over.  When I explain they need to speak directly into the mic to be heard, they tilt their head, keeping the mic upright.  Others assume the pose of a rock star singer, tilting the mic up as if a tasty beverage will pour out and they can drink from it.   It works, but it looks more like the "hide your face" pose to the audience (unless you turn sideways, then it is cool).  I also like the "talk with your hand"s guy.  He holds the microphone as if it were another prop of some kind, and waves it around as he talks with his hands, oblivious to the fact he now sounds as if we have a sound system problem that is going in and out.  Then we have my favorite.  The "I don't need a microphone" people.  I am not sure if they are just terrified of a mic or actually think their voice will be heard in the large room.  This person starts with a loud "can you hear me now?" to the crowd, met with a few nods in the front row, then proceeds to talk in a diminishing volume to less than normal speaking voice.
A similar effect is achieved in writing by making the font smaller.... 
Microphones confuse people.  When faced with a tiny clip-on mic, many people will try and hold it up to their mouths as if it were.....well.....a hand held mic. Thus the name.  The clip-on mic sounds great when clipped just below the collar and terrible when placed near a necklace or chain that constantly rubs across it giving the effect of a storm approaching.  A microphone placed on a podium is usually capable of picking up the average voice at the average height.  The same people who hold a hand-held mic like an ice cream cone will grab the podium mic and try to aim it so their voice will flow down into it.  Wonderful loud noises happen and everyone turns to look at the sound booth as if they are causing the noise... despite the person wrestling with the microphone stand.  Yes it is on.  Yes we can hear you.
Can you picture Jesus and his sermon on the mount?  Enter the Audioites. This lesser-known Biblical tribe is full of trained sound guys.  They were used to design many of the amphitheaters in the old days. "Here Jesus, we need you to speak through this large cone so everyone will hear you."  Jesus says, "I don't need a microphone."  Classic.  He turns to the crowd and says "Can you hear me now?" After a few nods of approval, he turns to the disciples and says "You better write this down....."

What are your dreams?

I have been quite busy in May. So much so that I have not even had time to blog. The good of that is, many people have asked me when my next blog will be.  Not necessarily good for most people, but good to hear people like reading my musings.  Anyway, in the last couple weeks I have attended a few interesting group meetings. One was for a service group, like Rotary Club. The other was for a Christian organization called Dream Builders. They hosted a breakfast at one of the largest churches in Orlando. I really knew nothing about this group but many men in our church were going, so I tagged along.  We arrived at a welcome table hosted by some awkward men. They weren't actually all that awkward themselves, it was how they were acting that was strange.  Very unorganized for such a large event. They had blank name tags to hand out but no pens. They had seating charts but no numbers on the actual tables to figure out where we belong.  It was as if these guys had never planned an event without the help of....ok I'll say it... women. Kind of like when I host a dinner and forget to put out napkins and silverware.  Or like the typical buffet line where we grab a plate, get some food, then fight our way back to the start of the line to get the forks and knives that were there all along. So this is a men's organization. I am smart that way. There were a few women present but they were with men. So it turns out they are allowed to attend the breakfast but not join "the network".  Thats right. Dreams of success are limited to men. After all, we are the ones with good ideas. Look at all the famous inventors....the car, the telephone, electricity, the airplane....men.  So what types of dreams will a Christian men's organization be excited about? Well they featured three "dreamers".  A Pastor who wants to change the face of Orlando by starting a church in the poorest parts of the city. Help one-another. Good idea. The second was a business man who wants to train other business men to be leaders.  Well, sort of a good idea. I mean in theory it is a good idea, but don't we already have stuff like that?  That's like the guy that creates a store where you can buy books.  Great idea, but those guys Barnes and Noble already did it.  Moving on.  The third guy was my personal favorite. In this group of Christian dreamers, he wants to make known the name and story of one man! A man many have discounted as not real. A controversial image. He is working on a movie, and there already is a book published. Are you on the edge of your seat? Could it be Jesus? The obvious answer...but nope.  How about Santa? As in Claus.  Oh yes, you can't make this stuff up. He traveled to Norway to get the original story of Santa and what he stands for. He wants people to know he is real. No, really...he is real. About this time I started looking to see what time it was. How long is this going to last? We listened to his presentation, and watched a short movie trailer starring that man as Santa with a really bad faux Russian accent that faded in and out as he spoke.  Was I ready to join? Almost, but then the closer came in. The host of the event told us his dream as he cried and recovered three times during his presentation. His dream is to "brand" a day when the whole world will applaud creation. The day is in June sometime. Not a bad idea but the funny part was the event is called "day of applause" and you don't actually applaud anything. He wants people to take pictures at sunset and post them on his webpage.  I was pretty sure I heard a few women laugh. Not because it was a dumb idea, not because they were happy to be excluded, but because they realized the joke wasn't on them. I know God has a sense of humor. I heard him laugh as well. Ho-ho-NO.

What We Do

This is part two of What Kind of Church is this.  I think there will be a part three named What We Believe. As I said earlier, most people new to a church want to know what we do and what we believe.  It would seem the two things should go together and I wouldn't need a separate blog post, but alas, this is not the case here.  I have been going to church since I can remember, thanks to my parents who were faithful in making me come with them.  We have always attended an Anglican church, but most of them were Episcopal. There is way too much to discuss to get into the differences of the two, and it really isn't important here, so we will just skip that part. All Episcopal/Anglican churches have a few things in common.  When most everyone is seated, excluding late-comers, the priests come in from the back following a procession of someone carrying the cross, followed by a couple candles and some other people in robes.  I love the procession of the cross. When I was a kid I used to make my grandfather carry the cross around the house as I followed him singing hymns. We didn't really have a cross, so he carried my horse head on a stick. A toy we played with. I know there must be a name for it, but you can picture it. At our church we have many different people that carry the cross, and they all have their own style. One of our carriers has earned the name "cross-ninja" by the band.  This guy carries the cross with his hands upside down, as if he is ready to flip the cross around and take someone out. Anyway, we do "the parade." Then we sing.  We sing for quite a while, maybe 10-15 minutes sometimes. All Anglican churches have music, but the style varies. Ours is a more modern setting, using keyboard, drums, bass, guitars, etc.  Our church likes to sing; most of them do anyway. It always makes me smile to see a new person looking around after the second song. I can hear them thinking "how long does this last?" We then read from the Bible. Usually 3 readings. One from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament, and one from the "Gospel" books (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John).  After that you will hear a message for about 20 minutes. Pretty standard church stuff up to this point.  During the service we also pray. We read ancient prayers, we read not-so ancient prayers, we pray our own prayers.  We sit, we stand, we kneel, and do it all over again.  It's like a form of Anglican Aerobics. We share a greeting with everyone in the church.  Most people think the service is over at this point because it sure looks like it is. People get up and wander around saying hello to their friends.  It is like a seventh inning stretch. We are almost done...more than half-way for sure.  We then take your money...oh sorry...we ask for tithes and offerings.  I really am not making fun of this part. Jesus talks more about money than anything else in the Bible. People have a problem with money and things coming before God. The Bible tries to teach us if we can give these things up freely, we can follow God freely. That includes not worrying about where the money goes after you give it.  God deals with those who abuse it.  I like how our bulletin tells visitors they are not expected to give, but our ushers will be sure to pass that plate in front of them with an expectant look. The last part of the service is communion. It is where we eat the styrofoam wafers and drink wine or grape juice.  We now even offer gluten-free wafers. I don't even know what that means but it makes some people happy, so good for us. In the Bible, Jesus tells us about the last supper and says "do this in remembrance of Me"!  I am not sure how any church can ignore this part of the Bible, especially when the letters are in red. So we do that in the service. This is the one part I get, and yet, it is the one part many churches leave out of a service. So there you have it. We parade, sing, read, pray, talk, do the stuff Jesus tells us to do, and then go outside to have a smaller "people-version" of church. That is where we parade (outside), sing (the song stuck in our heads), read (the bulletin), talk (to each other), give money (to our kids for lunch), eat (donuts and drink coffee), then go (home). New Covenant Church.  Its what we do.

What Kind of Church Is This?

What kind of church is this? This is the most common question as people enter our doors. Our sign out front says New Covenant Church. People understand we are a church, that part was clear.  But what kind of stuff happens in our church?  That's what they really want to know. I can tell because as soon as the word "Anglican" comes out, the look on their face sort of glosses over in thought.  In their heads they are checking their list of resources from old movies, TV shows, 20/20 reports of cults, etc.  Have they ever heard of an Anglican Church? Mostly no. We are non non-denominational (that sure sounds redundant but it is true). We belong to the Church of England, does that clear it up? We are not any kind of "first" church; First Baptist, First Presbyterian, First United Methodist.  But maybe we should be. I have never seen a First Anglican Church of Winter Springs so we probably could make that claim. Besides, how much easier is it to come up with a name for your church than to use the town and then say you are the first to put a church there.  Sorry for late-comers.  Second Baptist Church of Oviedo...I don't think so. Second United Methodist Church of Orlando is really not how things are done around here. One per town please. Find another town, or denomination.  Or like the Catholics, instead of numbering our churches we could just use a holy name as the church name and say it is the church of The Most Holy Grail, or the church of Saint Denis.  Probably never heard of that guy, have you? He was the first Bishop of Paris, and was beheaded. He is the patron saint of....you can't make this stuff up....headaches.  Anyway, we are not a cool trendy church like Northpointe (the "e" makes it trendy), or Journey, Elevation, Carpenter's Shed, etc.  Just New Covenant, as in the promise God made to his people.  And we are Anglican. Not the Angel-ican church as our fire alarm people say when they call me.  I have thought of a new angle on our Anglican name (now that was punny). Anglers are fishers, therefore we could be the Angler's Church....fishers of men!  So you see, we could be trendy if we wanted, or first, or anything else.  So what's in a name, you ask?  The stuff we do, and the stuff we believe.  Neither of which I have explained in this post.  And that, my friends, is how it works. Better to discover what kind of church it is by sitting in a service. Come check us out this Sunday! And don't worry, stay tuned for part two on the stuff we believe and the stuff we do. Feel free to comment below, repost if you like, or just tell me what you think when you see me on Sunday!

LOST and Holy Week

Ah, the blessings of planning an event. Not just any event. We are talking Holy Week.  It's a series of events. This year it starts with an Easter Egg Hunt.  I know.  I am not fully sure why a church has an Easter Egg hunt but we sold Christmas trees one year so why not step into all that people relate Christian holidays to in the name of "reaching the lost".  What "lost" you may ask? Good question. Without a trusty GPS I frequently am lost. Our senior Pastor last year got lost leaving our community Sunrise service. Well...sort of. He couldn't find his way out of the adjacent high-school parking lot. I am not really certain that counts as lost, but it made for a good story.  Anyway, 11 years ago when I came on staff at a church, I heard about the effort to "reach the lost", and not in any uncertain terms....they had a number. 130 million. Wow. That's a bunch of people no matter how you slice it up. And of course I would like to slice it up. How many lost people here in Florida? I figure most of the "lost" are in Utah with many wives, or at least a big chunk of them.  So maybe in Florida we only have a couple million, and probably most of them in Miami or the Keys. Easy to get lost down there in the Everglades.  So 5 years later at a conference I hear the mission of the Anglican church is to reach the 130 million lost. Are you telling me in 5 years we haven't reached any of them? We aren't reaching 129 million and 8 hundred thousand?  None of them have died or moved to another country? This needs more investigating. Perhaps counting the lost is like the census. We only look every 10 years to see how many are lost. I looked closely at this mysterious number. It turns out for many years now that is the number.  130 million. Even a few months ago at a national conference the grand pubah (or Primatial Vicar as he is properly referred to) stood before the thousands of Anglicans gathered to tell us our mission is to reach the....you guessed it...130 million "lost" people. Wow. We stink at this mission. Talk about Mission Impossible. Maybe on Easter instead of looking for eggs we should look for people.  Now that would be a good event for a church.  Like the egg hunt the hardest ones to find aren't really lost, they are just hiding in a really good spot.  Perhaps we should look harder.  I bet God can find them all.

1000 and Counting

One of my favorite Sesame Street characters was The Count.  I used to count with my girls to entertain them, but mostly to entertain myself. When most people imitate a character to entertain their kids, especially one like Barney or The Count, we are talking about kids that are 2-6 years old.  Mine were teenagers. Sure I did that when they were younger, but I have fond memories of driving through toll booths in Orlando with my girls counting out money to the toll collector (before e-pass) in the voice of The Count.

Speaking of counting, thanks to Google analytics, I can see that this week marks the visit of my 1000th page view.  I have no idea who the 1000th visitor is, but if I could, I would give some sort of prize.  It is funny how we count, and the perspective to which we apply our totals. For me, 1000 visits to my web site is amazing, but for many bloggers, they get 1000 hits in one post. Analytics also tells me I have people from over 26 countries around the world who have read my blog.
Of these, my favorite is Mauritius, a small country off the east coast of Africa. Prior to someone from there visiting my site, I could not have told you where Mauritius is, but now I know a bit about the country because I did a bit of research on it, and you should too.  I would love to go there for a vacation, but it costs way too much just to get there.
Back to counting. Yesterday in church our pastor commented that the Hubble telescope has discovered something like 360 billion new galaxies. 360 BILLION!!! How do we even count that? Ok, there is one over there, to the left of that is two, then three. It would take years just to count that high. How do we know what separates the galaxies? Maybe there are just 8 really big galaxies...but 8 isn't an impressive number that would make it into a sermon. 360 Billion...that number did it. What if there were only a mere 200 million galaxies? What number impresses you? We sold over 300 CDs at our church and it was a huge success. If the Rolling Stones sold 300 CDs you would have never heard of them, and they would have gathered lots of moss.  Perspective. That is it. I recall a pastor once telling me at that this event we spent many hours of manpower working towards, that if just one person came, it would be worth it. Really? I know the parable of the lost sheep, but this seemed like the parable of the lost perspective. If we are going to do something worthwhile, why not make it count for as many people as possible and not actually target one person. My recent trip to Nepal showed me a church in the minority. With 95% of the people claiming Hindu or Muslim faiths, there was no room for a Baptist church, Catholic Church, or Anglican church. There is a Christian church.  I liked that. A friend showed me a recent survey, focus of the survey was not important, that showed 35% Catholic, 9% Christian, etc.   Funny, I thought Catholics were Christian, so why the two numbers? To use an analogy from a friend of mine who has gone back to school and is dissecting animals, we have dissected Christianity into so many parts it is almost like we are heading towards the 360 billion galaxies story.  We don't count someone as Christian unless they go to our church.  As I sit here listening to the thunder, I can't help but think of God looking down on us saying "8 gajillion, 8 gajillion and one, 8 gajillion and two marvelous Christians, HA-HA-HA (insert sound of thunder ).

No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Not too long ago when I first started working at a church I taught music for our preschool.  I think I was qualified since I knew music and had three daughters who had graduated from preschool.  I also feel as if I relate to small children pretty well. They understand me.  I shortly understood that having kids and working with kids is not the same.
One of my favorite motivators for preschoolers was stickers. At the end of class they would get a sticker, and then I graduated to ink stamps.  Different animal ink stamps. A monkey, or a horse, or an elephant, whichever they wanted.  And then it was cool to stamp not just the hand, but on the leg, and one day, on the belly button. Whoops. Parent teacher conference. Parent to me..."how did my son get a stamp on his belly?" Me.."I put it there." Parent..."so you lifted his shirt?" Me.."no, he did it and I stamped him."  It was then I caught on that the parent was looking at me like there was something wrong.  Preschool director..."David is a great teacher and father of 3 daughters, we will help him understand not to stamp anything but the hand."  Ok.  Fake smiles and pleasantries exchanged.  Fast forward a couple months to Christmas. We were selling Christmas trees at church.  The guy in charge of the tree sale had put a pop-up trailer next to the lot to stay warm on cold nights.  The kids wanted to see the trees so I took them to see Christmas trees. "What is in that house?" asked a kid pointing at the trailer.  "It is where the man who sells the trees stays warm", I replied.  "Can we see inside?"  "Of course!" 3 months of preschool experience and some new training told me it was ok to open the door, let the kids run inside and check it out while I stayed outside at the door as a monitor.  Next day.... parent teacher conference.  "Little Johnny says he went in the trailer and jumped on the bed with Mr. Mander." My explanation went well and we brought in a few kids from the class to tell how they went in the trailer while I stayed outside. And I thought the music business was tough.  I quit teaching preschool that year.  We never sold trees again.  I know God's grace extends even to preschool teachers, but evidently in this day and age, a preschool parent's grace stays at the dinner table.

Planning Prayers

I recently attended a fundraiser. Actually I attended a few fundraisers in the past few weeks.  I think spring must be fundraiser time, if there is such a time.  Summer isn't good because people are traveling.  Fall isn't good because not only is it time for the start of school, but many summer sports programs are ending and have their banquets.  Then comes Christmas and people are giving to holiday charities. Yes, spring is the time.  New budgets, new flowers; everything is new and so most people have room to give money for something other than themselves.  You know...if you have read any of my blog...I love to be in on the planning of these events because that is where the fun happens. If I am not there for the planning, I always try to imagine how it went to get to the final product we are witness to. Dinner or not dinner. That is the first question. If we serve food are people more or less likely to give?  Sit down dinner or buffet?  Free dinner or charge money? Big money or cheap? Table sponsor or individual tickets? Silent auction, live auction, or both?  Keynote speaker or slideshow, or heaven forbid...both? And in the case of my most recent fundraiser, open bar or cash bar? They chose cash bar. $7 for a glass of wine, $5 for domestic beer, wow! Nothing too good for the kids! Yes, it was a fundraiser for a Christian private school. That was a first for me but maybe someone thought if the people drink more they will be eager to bid more.  We were served a sit-down dinner of both chicken and beef, no choice here.  Whichever one you don't want just leave on the plate to waste as we raise money for the more fortunate.  I wondered how much of my $50 to attend the fundraiser was going to pay for the meal since I didn't notice the hotel caterer as a sponsor. To start the meal, they invited the pastor of this large church to say a blessing for the meal. It was during his prayer that I came to a greater appreciation of our prayer book. Somewhere in the Book of Common Prayer there must be a dedication for school prayer, and a prayer for the blessing of a meal. Even though the book has many great prayers, we can actually say our own prayers, but when called on to pray for a large group on the spot, the book helps us stay on track. Here is the pastor's prayer, or at least my favorite part from it. Remember he was supposed to simply pray a blessing for the meal, but then he improvised.

"and Lord, we give thanks for this school. All the great things this school is. And Lord God, we know that our school is not perfect, it has many flaws, but God, it reflects who you are, and so we are thankful."

I am pretty sure in most Christian churches God is perfect and without flaws. I am also pretty sure that's not what he meant, but sometimes the prayer book wins. Sometimes planning is good, and sometimes God's grace extends even to Pastors.

Pancake Supper Part Two

Sorry it took so long for part two. I took a trip to Nepal and have safely returned. I actually have so many blog topics I may write a new one every other day just to catch up. This post is part two of a previous post. It could stand alone but much of the explanation of terminology happens in part one so feel free to go back and refer to that if needed.
Some years ago our church decided to host one of these pancake suppers on Shrove Tuesday.  We had not done one in some years, and I don't really remember who's idea it was to have one, but that really isn't important to the story.  Like any good event at our church, proper planning took place. We discussed every aspect of the pancake supper, right down to the type of syrup we would use.  Mrs. Butterworth or Aunt Jemima?  Real butter or margarine? Sausage or bacon? Whole wheat or not? You get the idea.  People are funny when making these kinds of decisions. People with clean garages at home, the same people who actually park a car or two in their garages; these are the people who choose by debating which one will be the most used. There is only room for one syrup so we must choose carefully. People like me, with garages full of stuff and no room for cars; we say both and. Give the people choices! Let's have syrup with butter already in it and have plain syrup, and maybe add blueberry syrup as well! So the discussion goes back and forth from choices, to money-concious people who don't want too many bottles of syrup or any leftover pancakes. Where will we put leftovers? When we realized the discussion is about pancake batter and for 100 or so people that may attend, the difference is counted in perhaps $20, I say err on the side of too much. After all, who wants to come to a dinner on Fat Tuesday only to be given a diet-sized portion of food.  Lets buy enough for 150 people and spend that extra $20!
The reality is, what you just read in less than two minutes took a church staff of 6 people several hours to discuss. Of course I am as much to blame since I am one of the six, but you get in the moment and passion for pancakes takes over.  Ok, so we have the supplies, we open the doors, and begin serving people for the planned two hours. One hour into the dinner we have served about 20 people.  Evidently our new tradition hasn't caught on yet. Our cooks are busy counting out controlled portions to minimize waste. Two pancakes, one sausage per person. After one hour had gone by and we sat with empty plates, I encouraged people to go back for more. This is where things went awry.  One of our cooks was the soup nazi of pancakes. This was an "all you can eat" dinner.  He served you two pancakes and apparently that was all you can eat. You will get no more. As he sat in the midst of an overwhelming amount of batter, I let him know as a staff person we had properly planned for people to be able to eat as many pancakes as they wanted so please serve more to the guests. He told me no. I spoke with the senior pastor and made him aware of the rationing, to which he yelled from his seat to the cook, "give them as much as they like!" Well upon returning to the line, our volunteer threw one pancake on my plate and said "you are an ass!" to which I said thanks for the pancake with a smile on my face.
As the dinner concluded, I went to my office, followed by the cook who actually threatened to cause physical harm to me, even referring to a gun he had in his car. Over pancakes. And sausage. We didn't actually come to fighting over the dinner, but my sarcasm probably did not help diffuse his anger either. I guess you could say I dodged a bullet. We discontinued that tradition, and a few weeks later I received a letter of apology from that parishioner. It must have been seven or eight years ago that this happened. This year we had some new members who wanted to put on the pancake supper. I checked my schedule and would be in Nepal during the event. "Sounds great" I said. I heard it went well and there was plenty of leftover food.