Don't Stand So Close to Me

Some songs become anthems in their time. There are many hymns which have managed to survive the ages, and a few contemporary praise songs have already etched a place into the place you would etch something.  Woven into the fabric of our lives. Every cliche that says it is something you will remember.  The Bible is full of stuff we are supposed to remember. The Last Supper. Jesus says "do this in remembrance of me." And so we do, or at least some of the churches do.  I'm not sure how people manage the rules in the Bible to select the ones they think will count. When the big guy says we should do it, it seems like a deal breaker if we don't.  It's not like other rules.

What about the rules for construction. Some people quote construction "codes" like they wrote them.  A fence cannot exceed 6 feet high when it backs up to a residential roadway, but if it is a city highway, the wall can be 15 feet. I'm not sure if that is true, but it sounds good.  Wherever that code is, it probably is right next to the code for urinal spacing.

Urinal spacing you ask? I believe there is an unwritten rule about how close two urinals can be together. In our church, in the main church building, we have a men's room. It contains three toilet stalls and two urinals. In most bathrooms the urinals have a little wall between them. The wall of separation. Not ours. Our urinals are about 8 inches apart with no wall. In my 19 years of attending this church, I have not once seen two men use the urinals simultaneously. If one is taken, you go use a toilet stall.  In church we can be buddy-buddy and even hug another guy, but once you enter the men's room, all bets are off. No talking. 

Awkward as it may seem, you can listen to the service through overhead speakers.  This idea had to come from a man who thought up this great distraction to avoid conversation. "Sorry Bob, can't talk right now.  I am concentrating on the sermon."
Maybe the urinals are put there as a test. Male bonding. We all failed.

So why the urinal blog?
It occurred to me we like excuses to avoid uncomfortable situations.  Speakers in a restroom give us the excuse not to talk.  "I thought you were going to talk to him" is a good way to avoid greeting visitors on Sunday. "I don't have time to share everything this person needs to hear, or answer all their questions" is a good excuse to walk away from an opportunity to share your faith with someone. Too many people avoid.
Too many Christians use "I want to be nice" to avoid telling someone what they need to hear.
There are lots of stories in the Bible about confrontation. There is no lesson to be learned in a story without conflict. Think about that.
Conflict draws us close. If closer is good, conflict must be okay. Avoidance separates us. If separation is bad, our urinals must be okay.

Apologetics

Because of working at a church, I learned many new Christian words to increase my vocabulary. Some would argue that these new words are in fact "academic" words, but then those people obviously don't get out much. My new word of the day is apologetics. It really isn't new to me today or even this week. I think I first heard it six or seven years ago. It seemed pretty self explanatory. You are saying you are sorry for whatever you have done. Sort of. The church uses the word to explain what it does. More of an excuse actually. So really the word should be more of an excusagetic. That word sounds even better. In Christian circles, when you want to explain what your faith is about or the doctrine (rules) associated with your church, they explain it in a heading labeled apologetics. The funny thing is, nobody seems to be apologizing for anything.  I guess the church is saying "I'm sorry you didn't know what we do." Not much of an apology, is it?
I recently took a seven day vacation on a cruise ship.  This is a totally different way to look at life that needs it's own posting. But that will be another time. At dinner time, you are usually assigned to a table with a few other couples and will share a meal with these people for seven nights in a row. Our table conversation one night took a turn to discuss the "Bible Belt". This is the area of the southern United States where many Charismatic churches are located.  A quick summary of U.S. churches goes here with some stereotypes.

The southern United States is home to many Charismatic churches. The northeast is home to both liberal and conservative churches, but more of an institutional church or political club than a place of religious practice. The midwest has the lion's share of fundamentalist churches and cults, and the west....well the west doesn't really do church unless it is trendy somehow.
Back to my dinner table discussion. It becomes obvious that none of our table guests are regular church goers. In fact, one couple is Jewish, but not practicing (in their own words).  They all observed that in spite of a down economy, there are still hundreds of churches in their neighborhoods. Unlike businesses that we pass by every day and are struggling to survive, apparently if your church building still stands, the church must be doing quite well.
I thought of apologetics. Nobody has asked me what I do for work yet. That is day four conversation stuff and we were only on day three which clearly is demographic discussion night. There really are no assigned dinner topics, but my experience with small groups gathered for dinner has led me to observe this natural progression of dinner table sharing. Day three conversation is limited to where we live and have come from. It's when people really want to tell you how big their house is but drop hints so you get the idea, because that is more polite.  I thought of how to drop a hint to tell them I work at a church, but figured that would kill the church conversation.  I waited for the next night, and was not disappointed.
"So David, what do you do for work?" came the question.  "I work at a church" came the answer.  Silence followed. The Jewish guy broke the silence with "that sounds great!" Others chimed in asking questions about what type of church I work at.
Maybe it was just me, but I felt a hint of "hope you didn't take offense to our conversation last night" in each of the statements. I suppose that is the other side of apologetics. People make excuses for why they don't attend a church. They aren't really apologizing for not coming. They explain what their faith is and their own beliefs which don't match the church. Excusagetics. It's not just for churches anymore.
The church labels it's explanations to people as apologetics which sounds nice and non-confrontational. The church also labels people who don't come to church as "lost" and their reasons for not coming are excuses. God never offered up excuses. Floods, plagues, Jesus. No excuse. None needed. Something about His ways are higher than ours. The church seems to be in the business of apologizing for God.  Does He really need our "help"?

Espresso at a Gas Station?

I just came from Starbucks. Say what you want about the company and how they charge a ridiculous amount for their coffee, but I will say I rarely go for the coffee. It is a good public meeting place. I believe I am on record as saying this before. I love watching people, and there is hardly a place more interesting to watch people than at a local coffee shop. Every time I go, I see the same few people as if they are always there. I wonder if they see me and are writing a blog about this guy who is always there. Probably not. I see lots of people but a couple characters stand out.
The first is this woman I call Betty. I have no idea if her name is Betty but it should be. Betty is about 50 years old and dresses like she is 14. Lots of cosmetics. I am no doctor, but I would guess that there have been a few cosmetic surgical procedures along the way.  She is always happy. She usually seems like she has come from somewhere important, and is headed to another important place. This is her pit stop on the way. She knows everyone. Well, sort of. She says hello to everyone. She likes to be seen. I wonder if she would say hello to the same people if she met them in the grocery store. Out of her element.
The next character is an older man who drives a very nice Cadillac and parks in the handicap spot. He has a tag that allows for that, but he seems to walk okay. This is my observation, not a judgement. His name should be Mario. I noticed him because he always wears the same shoes. Expensive-looking dress shoes. Shorts or pants, same shoes, no matter what. Actually it wasn't the shoes that caught my attention. It was how high he had his pants pulled up. The belt was just below his chest.  He comes in alone every time, orders the same drink, sits in the same spot to wait for it, then leaves after putting milk and sugar in it and stirring it with a wooden stick. Most people would miss him in a crowd. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Except he comes all the time.
Then it occurred to me. This is like church. Making comparisons of Starbucks to church is nothing new. I have read many articles on the same by clever pastors and writers. Not that part. It is about our behavior. I like to watch people. That doesn't change when it comes to church. I notice many things about our parishioners. I can tell you what people drive, where they park, where they sit, the type of clothes they tend to wear, etc. All of these things could make me like an FBI profiler.  Except that I really just seem to be interested in people without motive. Observing to me is like wanting to know more about someone, but not in a creepy stalking way. It also explains why I am frustrated with superficial relationships. The church is just as guilty of this as is Starbucks.
We have many Bettys. They come to church dressed nicely and always seem happy. We expect happy in church. Most of us were trained as young kids to put on clothes you only wear to church, and come to say a bunch of stuff we only say in church. Read that book we only read in church. And don't forget to be friendly and smile at everyone. Why is this stuff we believe reserved for only one place? Betty doesn't order coffee at a gas station. She could, but that's not the place.
We have lots of Marios. They come in alone, or as a couple, or a family. They come not to be social; in fact they leave before most people would notice them. We have no idea why they come. They are the ones who come every week but nobody knows their name. Every church has these people.
I can see that being an observer of people is no better than being indifferent to the people around us. It's not good enough to say "I asked them one time to come [to something] and they didn't show up. I called but they didn't call me back. I tried to reach out to them."  My mantra for the week (and going forward) is "our mission is not to try...our mission is to do"! And you can quote me on that!

The Mafia, Punctuation, and the Anglican Church

A bear walks into a pub and says "I'll have a rum.................and coke." The bartender looks at him and asks; "Why the big pause?" ("paws" for my foreign friends who don't get American puns humor)

I have been in an Anglican church my entire life. My parents took me to church at an early age and I actually have fond memories of church. The thing is, I never knew it was an Anglican church. It was an Episcopal church. I learned much later that most of the world knows of the Anglican church. It is recognized as the official church of England. The church of Kings and Queens. Where all the royal weddings take place. Apparently in America we resent the fact that the church was founded in England so we changed the name to the Episcopal church. Can we do that? I guess some people thought we can. Episcopal means Bishop, which means the church is headed by Bishops. No Pope. But it really is Anglican.  Now, in America, my church has split from the Episcopal USA church and we are back to the Anglican roots and name. But the Episcopal church is also still Anglican. Confused? So am I. A bit of church history here on the blog for you. It really isn't what this post is about, but it helps set the stage.

Back to me. Since I have been sitting through the same Sunday service for more than 40 years, I have most of the service memorized. I could play the part of the priest if called upon. I suppose that would never happen, but if it did, I would be ready. I am the perfect understudy for this role.  I know the lines and the hand motions.

On Sunday mornings our opening declaration is the same for most of the year. After the first song or hymn, the priest stands in front of the congregation and says "Blessed be God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." Notice the punctuation. Semi colon after God. (History and then English lesson? What the heck is this?) This means we say God, we pause, then we clarify what that means to us. Three in One. Think of all the great sales pitches out there. Two for one. Buy one get one free. This is way better. Three in One. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. All the same God. The explanation of this is for another time. This is about punctuation.

The priest always says "Blessed be God" then a pause, then "Father, Son and Holy Spirit". We then respond but that part isn't important here. I have always heard it like this. For the first time in my 40 years a priest stood in front of our church, and in one breath said the whole thing with no pause. Big deal you say? Well it is a game-changer to me. He said "Blessed be Godfather, Son and Holy Spirit." Godfather? I suppose I should have had images of the people that stand there at Baptisms and say they are the "Godparents" of the child. But I saw the movie version instead. Marlon Brando was now in our service and somehow we were wishing him to be blessed alongside his Son and the Holy Spirit. Good thing the Holy Spirit got in there, but it's no longer a three-in-one deal.

I know I should probably never admit to these things. Somehow people want their worship leader to be thinking of things other than Marlon Brando. I can assure you it was just a passing thought. We went on to worship God who is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Making It Up As We Go

I know the importance of translation.  Messages can be mixed up so easily with incorrect words that are only one letter off.  I learned that lesson in Uganda which I talked about in a post last year "Are You Talkin' to Me?" It is still one of my favorite missions stories. But this post isn't about that story.
There is a song called "Wonderful" that I liked when I first heard it. The song is written by Malcolm Baxter who comes from our friends in the Vineyard church. I don't actually have any friends in Vineyard churches but I know some people who used to be.  Anyway, it has a great feel to the song and the lyrics in the verses are great. The chorus, however, contains a word I had never heard of.  The word is Humbai.  The phrase goes "Humbai Jesus, Humbai Yahweh" and repeats several times.
I knew that when I brought the song to the congregation they would want to know the meaning of this foreign word.  And of course I wanted to know as well. I started with Google. It brought many references to India, although no translation.  I spent many weeks investigating the origin of the word. It became my pet project.
I looked up the author of the song, Mr. Baxter, and decided to try and contact him. After several weeks I found an email address, sent my question, and received a response. I know the suspense is getting to you and you probably already looked ahead to see what it means, and now have come back to read this part. Welcome back.
If I had to guess, I would have said it means something like worship, or holy, or some dignified church word. Nope. The response I got back was it is not a real word. He made it up.  Why?  Because he needed a word or phrase to go there and it sounded cool.  Okay, the sounded cool part was my paraphrasing of his response, but basically that was it. Not a real word. Seriously? We can do that? I guess when I hear songs that have la-la-la-la in them this creation of Humbai is somewhat genius.
So many times we use words that are unfamiliar. Even unfamiliar to us. But because we know the context we use it by guessing the general meaning of it.  And besides, if it is used in a song, it must be a real word.
I wondered how many churches use that song without knowing the meaning of the word, or insert their own definition.  I say "I wondered", but really it was more of a passing thought. "Wondered" sounds like I spent time on it and I didn't.  I was just happy to get a response from Mr. Baxter.
By the way, I substitute the kinyarwandan word "Imanashimwe" for Humbai Jesus.  Yes, it is one crazy word for another, but I know the translation.  The meaning is "Praise God".

Shofar, so good

Today is the celebration of Rosh Hashanah. Not sure what that is? It is a Jewish holiday, where they proclaim God is King. It seems like it is a pretty big deal. So big, that our church preschool was closed today. If you ask the director why we close a Christian school on a Jewish holiday, she will tell you we follow the county school schedule, and they are closed. I can't help but think of how many things the public school system does that we don't want to follow, but that really isn't important.

I looked up what Jewish people do on this day. It is supposed to be a day of no work. Traditionally people eat apples and honey, pray for most of the day, and reflect on how God is the King of our lives. For some reason, we never seem to hear what the day is about. We just hear that the schools are closed and I guess that's good enough for most people.

Another part of the celebration is to blow a Shofar. A shofar is a ram's horn, or some kind of horn that you could blow, but definitely not a car horn. That's different. An animal horn. It should be noted here that the Shofar is a very difficult instrument (if you call it that) to get a sound from. Similar to a conch shell, it requires a great deal of air and a certain formation of the mouth to get a sound.

One sunday some years ago, a random woman came to our church with a Shofar. She wanted to blow it in the service during worship. I told her thanks, but no thanks. She went and found our pastor. I'm not sure how much money she agreed to put in the plate, but I was told she was approved to blow the horn at the end of our service on the last song. Well, the last song was Days of Elijah. A perfect song for the Shofar. There is a line in the song "at the trumpet call". Cue the Shofar!
So we begin the song with the woman standing on the stage to my right. Here comes the chorus. Here comes the line...."at the trumpet call!".....nothing. I figure she is waiting for the finale, so no big deal. Next chorus....nothing. One more time for the chorus and it is a double chorus. I turn to see a woman with cheeks as puffed out as big as if she had 30 marshmallows stuffed in each one. Her face was as purple-red as a beet. Not a puff of sound came from that horn. I had to look away. Last time...nothing. It was like a car wreck. You know it's bad, but something compells you to look. She was going to explode. Just then came the sound. The mighty sound of a Shofar. Or pehaps the sound as if we just let a little bit of air from a big balloon. The song ended. She did not. She continued to blow as hard as she could. Finally the sound of a beached baby whale came forth. I have never before heard a beached baby whale make a sound, but I am certain it would sound exactly like that.
She looked at me and signaled for the band to keep playing. "One more time!" she yelled. "I don't think so" is what I thought as I put my guitar on the stand and thanked her half-heartedly for coming. We never saw her again. If she ever comes back I will refer her as a guest to play for our preschool on Rosh Hashanah.

Rob Bell, Francis Chan, and the Daytona Cubs

If you look at the title of my blog, you may be wondering what do all these things have in common?  For those of you who remember Sesame Street it is like the "one of these things is not like the other".  Obviously we have two of the more trendy Pastors and a minor league baseball team.  If you are not familiar with Rob Bell, I will introduce you. He is a trendy glasses-wearing Pastor who made a series of videos, each about 15 minutes long and all with a really cool message. The problem is he talks to us while some distracting event is happening in the background. I have a real problem with attention deficit so I find myself very distracted with what is happening around him and not paying enough attention to what he is saying. His videos are pretty popular among the 20-30 something crowds.  Francis Chan is also a Pastor. I would put him in the category of "rebellious trendy". That means while he says he is not trendy, he sure looks like he is, but in a different kind of way.  He also has a series of videos where strange things are happening while he talks. In both cases of Rob Bell and Francis Chan, it is almost as if they were unaware the film crew was showing up that day and they do the talk anyway while being followed.
Also common in these short films are the shaky camera operators.  Many times we see a closeup of hands instead of the guy speaking.  I noticed something about this type of camera work.  It has a different effect on age generations. The younger group sees this type of filming and thinks nothing of the camera angles and bizarre close-ups of extremities. It is normal to them. The middle-aged people see it, know it is done on purpose, but can't figure out why anyone would do that.  The last group, the elderly folks can't believe they left those mistakes in the film. They see a shaky camera as a bad camera man who probably got fired after the making of this silly video. Unfortunately there was not enough money to do a re-shoot of the scene so they left it in.
This takes me to my Daytona Cubs. Observe this video of me throwing out the first pitch at a recent game. How I got to do this is not really important to the blog.

The key words in this video are "first pitch". I have many people who asked me if I really struck the guy out. Really? On the first pitch? Never mind the fact that they would let all those extra people on the field while I pitch to a real batter with an umpire. I did a bit of simple editing. Not to fool anyone, but because I thought it would be funny. I guess Rob Bell and Francis Chan think the same with their videos. They aren't trying to fool anyone, just give a message about God. I bet God gets frustrated with us when people read the Bible.  His work is pretty straight-forward but we manage to look at the stuff in the background and be confused. Same rules apply as the videos but take away 20 years. The little kids hear it and think it sounds normal. Teens to 30 somethings hear it, get it, but are not sure why God did it this way. Middle age to older people hear it and find all the mistakes and controversy in it. They figure that people got in the way of God's word. 

At the end of the Cubs game they let all the kids on the field to run the bases. I went out and ran the bases with the kids. I like being young.