Scam, Spam, and Sham

I am headed on another missions trip in a couple weeks.  I will be going back to Africa where I love to be.  The thing that always trips up people going on missions trips is the cost.  Money not only makes the world go around, but money is needed to make you go around the world.  As a person who works on staff at a church and travels at the request of others, I frequently am seeking people who support these missions both in prayer and finances.  But lets be honest. When we ask people to pray, one of the things we ask them to pray for is that the finances will come in...wink wink.  Many of my trips have taken me to Africa. So as I  look at the letters I send to people, I can't help but think of the poor people in Nigeria.  I don't mean poor in the literal sense of course. It seems there are many wealthy people in Nigeria. I use the term "poor people" as in looking for pity. They can never seem to find a helper to get the 1.2 million dollars someone has left them in a trust fund.  And if only you would help them by paying the $1000 transaction fee, they will share the money with you. Don't you ever wonder who falls for that? One day I wondered about a popular advertisement promising money. "Earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars at home stuffing envelopes. For $5.00, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to find out how."  I sent the $5.  In about a week I received my instructions in a half page letter.
1. Get a Post Office Box
2. Take out an ad for stuffing envelopes like the one you replied to
3. Put these instructions in the envelope they mail you and send it back
4. Deposit the money and celebrate!
5. This is not illegal

So there you have it. I was amused but did not follow the instructions. People have become more clever in the age of technology. A friend of mine had his email hacked recently. I have seen this email before. One morning I get the following email: "Please help me. I was on vacation with my wife when we were mugged. (insert various details of the mugging including being hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe) We are ok. (thank God!) They took everything from us but I have my phone. (imagine that)  I need you to wire $500 to us so we can get new IDs to get home." The wire transfer goes somewhere to England. When I received this email, I had talked in person to my friend not 15 minutes earlier. I walked back over into the church where I saw him and told him of his identity theft.  Then it occurred to me.  With this new scam comes new problems for me. Lets say on my trip to Africa we get robbed and I need money to get home.  When I get to an internet cafe to tell my story and ask for help, all my friends will laugh and dismiss the email as scam. I could be stuck there for months! Hmmm. Ok so as this blog comes to a close remember to pray for me as I go to Africa. Pray. Forget the finances, pray that I don't get robbed. And if you get an email from me in the next couple weeks saying I am stuck in Africa and need money to get home, pray for finances....wink wink.

You Can Have Your Cake and Make it Too!

One of the pleasures of working at a church as the music director is playing at a wedding.  I have played at many weddings and always am amazed at the choice of music people select for the day they will be wed.  Most of the time I am involved in the planning so I can hear stories behind their choice of music, but not always.  This past weekend I was a part of a wedding where I played some of the music myself and played tracks for other parts.  Good thing for the tracks since the choice in music varied from Sara Groves, to the Beatles, to the Beach Boys, to some other artists I could not name.  Beach Boys and the Beatles make you think of an older couple, but nope. The couple were in their early 20s.  So I began prelude music, only to find out the best man forgot the ring.  Not the ring of the groom, but the bride's ring.  It really wasn't worth asking how he brought one ring and not the other, but the father of the groom went to go get it.  Wedding time came and went as I played more music. 30 minutes more. 30 minutes late.  No big deal really, but guests were getting restless.  So the dad shows back up as everyone wanted to begin but alas, one more thing. The dad had prepared a three page written statement for his son the groom, that needed to be read to him before the ceremony started. And he was a slow reader.  More music.  Ceremony starts.  The song selection I was asked to play and sing consisted of one classic hymn, one contemporary worship song, and one bluegrass song. Bluegrass at the end? No. During the serving of communion, of course.  And of course this song was met with cheers and clapping and singing....or maybe just silence and stares from the older people wondering why I chose this raucous, happy clappy song.  No matter. The ceremony ended with the couple being married,  just as we planned.  Someone may have put the wrong date on the front of the program, but at least their names were spelled right, I think. Nobody would have noticed but during a 30 minute delay, what else is there to do but read the program, so everyone noticed all the typos. Nice.
On to the reception. As a music director I always get invited to the receptions. Some are better than others. We always ask who the caterer was. I can't make this stuff up.... for the wedding reception, the caterer was Bagel King.  Thats right, Bagel King.  Probably would not have been on my radar for my daughter's wedding but I have to admit...they are now.  The food was actually quite good.  Excellent appetizers, wonderful buffet style meal and great desserts. And not a single Bagel found anywhere. Nicely dressed attendants, open wine and beer bar, and flavored coffees. Fantastic...really! So the wedding cake comes out and the father of the bride who is a member of our church is arranging the layers. As I wait for the funniest video moment, I find out he made the cake. This guy who goes to our church and has never talked a bit about cooking or baking actually made the three-tier wedding cake. Wow! So I asked him how many cakes he has made.  "My first one!" he proudly tells me.  I normally leave before the cutting of the cake, but not today. I don't even like cake but I have to taste this.  He tells me how many hours went into this project, and then asks me to lie to him when I taste it and say it was good, but tell him later for sure what I thought.  I told him it was amazing.  That really wasn't a lie. The cake itself wasn't amazing as cakes go. In fact, it was a bit bland, quite heavy, and tasted a bit like next-day cake, the kind you had for dessert the night before at a friend's house and took home not in tupperware but on a paper plate covered by aluminum foil that takes half the icing away. (that was the honest part) The amazing part of the cake was that he made it. Of all the weddings I have been to I never have thought a cake was something to remember, but on this day it was.  I am sure his daughter will always remember the cake her dad baked for her on her wedding and they will remember it as the best cake ever.
I love all the references the Bible has to wedding feasts.  Its one I want to go to.  I'll bet God knows how to throw a reception.  The best food and the finest of wines. And then we bring the cake.  He probably has tasted better, but if we make it, he will eat, and say it is good. That's how it works. And I hope you get the invitation to his feast and accept!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Some companies really can hit a home run in advertising with slogans. I recall the expression "where's the beef?" that swept the nation and was used for everything from business presentations to movie critics.  Even though it is gone from mainstream advertising, I love the "can you hear me now?" slogan.   It almost always gets used when testing microphones.  The funny part is when people unfamiliar to a microphone are testing it, they will use the line as if they are the very first clever person to use it in that context. I will usually say "please speak into the mic so I can get a level for you".  They almost always respond with "test, testing" or even "check, check one, check two", since it seems to be the thing to say when checking a microphone. Then comes their best clever line such as "can you hear me now?" followed by an apprehensive glance toward me to see if I thought it was funny.  Depending on how my day is going up to that point I will smile as if amused or simply ignore the comment as if I am involved in some sort of major adjustment to make their voice sound like James Earl Jones.  As many times as we watch shows like American Idol, people are still uncertain what to do with a microphone.  Some people use it as if it were an ice cream cone, holding it in front of them careful not to tip it over.  When I explain they need to speak directly into the mic to be heard, they tilt their head, keeping the mic upright.  Others assume the pose of a rock star singer, tilting the mic up as if a tasty beverage will pour out and they can drink from it.   It works, but it looks more like the "hide your face" pose to the audience (unless you turn sideways, then it is cool).  I also like the "talk with your hand"s guy.  He holds the microphone as if it were another prop of some kind, and waves it around as he talks with his hands, oblivious to the fact he now sounds as if we have a sound system problem that is going in and out.  Then we have my favorite.  The "I don't need a microphone" people.  I am not sure if they are just terrified of a mic or actually think their voice will be heard in the large room.  This person starts with a loud "can you hear me now?" to the crowd, met with a few nods in the front row, then proceeds to talk in a diminishing volume to less than normal speaking voice.
A similar effect is achieved in writing by making the font smaller.... 
Microphones confuse people.  When faced with a tiny clip-on mic, many people will try and hold it up to their mouths as if it were.....well.....a hand held mic. Thus the name.  The clip-on mic sounds great when clipped just below the collar and terrible when placed near a necklace or chain that constantly rubs across it giving the effect of a storm approaching.  A microphone placed on a podium is usually capable of picking up the average voice at the average height.  The same people who hold a hand-held mic like an ice cream cone will grab the podium mic and try to aim it so their voice will flow down into it.  Wonderful loud noises happen and everyone turns to look at the sound booth as if they are causing the noise... despite the person wrestling with the microphone stand.  Yes it is on.  Yes we can hear you.
Can you picture Jesus and his sermon on the mount?  Enter the Audioites. This lesser-known Biblical tribe is full of trained sound guys.  They were used to design many of the amphitheaters in the old days. "Here Jesus, we need you to speak through this large cone so everyone will hear you."  Jesus says, "I don't need a microphone."  Classic.  He turns to the crowd and says "Can you hear me now?" After a few nods of approval, he turns to the disciples and says "You better write this down....."

What are your dreams?

I have been quite busy in May. So much so that I have not even had time to blog. The good of that is, many people have asked me when my next blog will be.  Not necessarily good for most people, but good to hear people like reading my musings.  Anyway, in the last couple weeks I have attended a few interesting group meetings. One was for a service group, like Rotary Club. The other was for a Christian organization called Dream Builders. They hosted a breakfast at one of the largest churches in Orlando. I really knew nothing about this group but many men in our church were going, so I tagged along.  We arrived at a welcome table hosted by some awkward men. They weren't actually all that awkward themselves, it was how they were acting that was strange.  Very unorganized for such a large event. They had blank name tags to hand out but no pens. They had seating charts but no numbers on the actual tables to figure out where we belong.  It was as if these guys had never planned an event without the help of....ok I'll say it... women. Kind of like when I host a dinner and forget to put out napkins and silverware.  Or like the typical buffet line where we grab a plate, get some food, then fight our way back to the start of the line to get the forks and knives that were there all along. So this is a men's organization. I am smart that way. There were a few women present but they were with men. So it turns out they are allowed to attend the breakfast but not join "the network".  Thats right. Dreams of success are limited to men. After all, we are the ones with good ideas. Look at all the famous inventors....the car, the telephone, electricity, the airplane....men.  So what types of dreams will a Christian men's organization be excited about? Well they featured three "dreamers".  A Pastor who wants to change the face of Orlando by starting a church in the poorest parts of the city. Help one-another. Good idea. The second was a business man who wants to train other business men to be leaders.  Well, sort of a good idea. I mean in theory it is a good idea, but don't we already have stuff like that?  That's like the guy that creates a store where you can buy books.  Great idea, but those guys Barnes and Noble already did it.  Moving on.  The third guy was my personal favorite. In this group of Christian dreamers, he wants to make known the name and story of one man! A man many have discounted as not real. A controversial image. He is working on a movie, and there already is a book published. Are you on the edge of your seat? Could it be Jesus? The obvious answer...but nope.  How about Santa? As in Claus.  Oh yes, you can't make this stuff up. He traveled to Norway to get the original story of Santa and what he stands for. He wants people to know he is real. No, really...he is real. About this time I started looking to see what time it was. How long is this going to last? We listened to his presentation, and watched a short movie trailer starring that man as Santa with a really bad faux Russian accent that faded in and out as he spoke.  Was I ready to join? Almost, but then the closer came in. The host of the event told us his dream as he cried and recovered three times during his presentation. His dream is to "brand" a day when the whole world will applaud creation. The day is in June sometime. Not a bad idea but the funny part was the event is called "day of applause" and you don't actually applaud anything. He wants people to take pictures at sunset and post them on his webpage.  I was pretty sure I heard a few women laugh. Not because it was a dumb idea, not because they were happy to be excluded, but because they realized the joke wasn't on them. I know God has a sense of humor. I heard him laugh as well. Ho-ho-NO.

What We Do

This is part two of What Kind of Church is this.  I think there will be a part three named What We Believe. As I said earlier, most people new to a church want to know what we do and what we believe.  It would seem the two things should go together and I wouldn't need a separate blog post, but alas, this is not the case here.  I have been going to church since I can remember, thanks to my parents who were faithful in making me come with them.  We have always attended an Anglican church, but most of them were Episcopal. There is way too much to discuss to get into the differences of the two, and it really isn't important here, so we will just skip that part. All Episcopal/Anglican churches have a few things in common.  When most everyone is seated, excluding late-comers, the priests come in from the back following a procession of someone carrying the cross, followed by a couple candles and some other people in robes.  I love the procession of the cross. When I was a kid I used to make my grandfather carry the cross around the house as I followed him singing hymns. We didn't really have a cross, so he carried my horse head on a stick. A toy we played with. I know there must be a name for it, but you can picture it. At our church we have many different people that carry the cross, and they all have their own style. One of our carriers has earned the name "cross-ninja" by the band.  This guy carries the cross with his hands upside down, as if he is ready to flip the cross around and take someone out. Anyway, we do "the parade." Then we sing.  We sing for quite a while, maybe 10-15 minutes sometimes. All Anglican churches have music, but the style varies. Ours is a more modern setting, using keyboard, drums, bass, guitars, etc.  Our church likes to sing; most of them do anyway. It always makes me smile to see a new person looking around after the second song. I can hear them thinking "how long does this last?" We then read from the Bible. Usually 3 readings. One from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament, and one from the "Gospel" books (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John).  After that you will hear a message for about 20 minutes. Pretty standard church stuff up to this point.  During the service we also pray. We read ancient prayers, we read not-so ancient prayers, we pray our own prayers.  We sit, we stand, we kneel, and do it all over again.  It's like a form of Anglican Aerobics. We share a greeting with everyone in the church.  Most people think the service is over at this point because it sure looks like it is. People get up and wander around saying hello to their friends.  It is like a seventh inning stretch. We are almost done...more than half-way for sure.  We then take your money...oh sorry...we ask for tithes and offerings.  I really am not making fun of this part. Jesus talks more about money than anything else in the Bible. People have a problem with money and things coming before God. The Bible tries to teach us if we can give these things up freely, we can follow God freely. That includes not worrying about where the money goes after you give it.  God deals with those who abuse it.  I like how our bulletin tells visitors they are not expected to give, but our ushers will be sure to pass that plate in front of them with an expectant look. The last part of the service is communion. It is where we eat the styrofoam wafers and drink wine or grape juice.  We now even offer gluten-free wafers. I don't even know what that means but it makes some people happy, so good for us. In the Bible, Jesus tells us about the last supper and says "do this in remembrance of Me"!  I am not sure how any church can ignore this part of the Bible, especially when the letters are in red. So we do that in the service. This is the one part I get, and yet, it is the one part many churches leave out of a service. So there you have it. We parade, sing, read, pray, talk, do the stuff Jesus tells us to do, and then go outside to have a smaller "people-version" of church. That is where we parade (outside), sing (the song stuck in our heads), read (the bulletin), talk (to each other), give money (to our kids for lunch), eat (donuts and drink coffee), then go (home). New Covenant Church.  Its what we do.

What Kind of Church Is This?

What kind of church is this? This is the most common question as people enter our doors. Our sign out front says New Covenant Church. People understand we are a church, that part was clear.  But what kind of stuff happens in our church?  That's what they really want to know. I can tell because as soon as the word "Anglican" comes out, the look on their face sort of glosses over in thought.  In their heads they are checking their list of resources from old movies, TV shows, 20/20 reports of cults, etc.  Have they ever heard of an Anglican Church? Mostly no. We are non non-denominational (that sure sounds redundant but it is true). We belong to the Church of England, does that clear it up? We are not any kind of "first" church; First Baptist, First Presbyterian, First United Methodist.  But maybe we should be. I have never seen a First Anglican Church of Winter Springs so we probably could make that claim. Besides, how much easier is it to come up with a name for your church than to use the town and then say you are the first to put a church there.  Sorry for late-comers.  Second Baptist Church of Oviedo...I don't think so. Second United Methodist Church of Orlando is really not how things are done around here. One per town please. Find another town, or denomination.  Or like the Catholics, instead of numbering our churches we could just use a holy name as the church name and say it is the church of The Most Holy Grail, or the church of Saint Denis.  Probably never heard of that guy, have you? He was the first Bishop of Paris, and was beheaded. He is the patron saint of....you can't make this stuff up....headaches.  Anyway, we are not a cool trendy church like Northpointe (the "e" makes it trendy), or Journey, Elevation, Carpenter's Shed, etc.  Just New Covenant, as in the promise God made to his people.  And we are Anglican. Not the Angel-ican church as our fire alarm people say when they call me.  I have thought of a new angle on our Anglican name (now that was punny). Anglers are fishers, therefore we could be the Angler's Church....fishers of men!  So you see, we could be trendy if we wanted, or first, or anything else.  So what's in a name, you ask?  The stuff we do, and the stuff we believe.  Neither of which I have explained in this post.  And that, my friends, is how it works. Better to discover what kind of church it is by sitting in a service. Come check us out this Sunday! And don't worry, stay tuned for part two on the stuff we believe and the stuff we do. Feel free to comment below, repost if you like, or just tell me what you think when you see me on Sunday!

LOST and Holy Week

Ah, the blessings of planning an event. Not just any event. We are talking Holy Week.  It's a series of events. This year it starts with an Easter Egg Hunt.  I know.  I am not fully sure why a church has an Easter Egg hunt but we sold Christmas trees one year so why not step into all that people relate Christian holidays to in the name of "reaching the lost".  What "lost" you may ask? Good question. Without a trusty GPS I frequently am lost. Our senior Pastor last year got lost leaving our community Sunrise service. Well...sort of. He couldn't find his way out of the adjacent high-school parking lot. I am not really certain that counts as lost, but it made for a good story.  Anyway, 11 years ago when I came on staff at a church, I heard about the effort to "reach the lost", and not in any uncertain terms....they had a number. 130 million. Wow. That's a bunch of people no matter how you slice it up. And of course I would like to slice it up. How many lost people here in Florida? I figure most of the "lost" are in Utah with many wives, or at least a big chunk of them.  So maybe in Florida we only have a couple million, and probably most of them in Miami or the Keys. Easy to get lost down there in the Everglades.  So 5 years later at a conference I hear the mission of the Anglican church is to reach the 130 million lost. Are you telling me in 5 years we haven't reached any of them? We aren't reaching 129 million and 8 hundred thousand?  None of them have died or moved to another country? This needs more investigating. Perhaps counting the lost is like the census. We only look every 10 years to see how many are lost. I looked closely at this mysterious number. It turns out for many years now that is the number.  130 million. Even a few months ago at a national conference the grand pubah (or Primatial Vicar as he is properly referred to) stood before the thousands of Anglicans gathered to tell us our mission is to reach the....you guessed it...130 million "lost" people. Wow. We stink at this mission. Talk about Mission Impossible. Maybe on Easter instead of looking for eggs we should look for people.  Now that would be a good event for a church.  Like the egg hunt the hardest ones to find aren't really lost, they are just hiding in a really good spot.  Perhaps we should look harder.  I bet God can find them all.