Nothing New, Part One

In the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 1, verse 9, it says "what has been done is what will be and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun." This Bible verse has been quoted and used with variations in many places. I guess that makes it like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Another familiar version of this is "history repeats itself". So many bands have used this as well like Sublime, Extreme, Coldplay, Meatloaf, Pink Floyd.  I'm sure each of these bands presents their song as new, while singing "there is nothing new".  Ironic. It is interesting how you can look at what is new.  A song can be new...or is it?  With only 13 notes in the western music arsenal, how many ways can we arrange them to form a melody nobody has heard? Check out Axis of Awesome sometime on Youtube. They have a video showing a 4 chord progression that is used by countless songs. The same music, yet different ways to sing around that same music.  It makes all of these songs sound as if they are the same song. Sometimes the bands don't even know they are repeating music already done. They may feel as if they have created something new, until someone compares their song in court to an obscure tune written 30 years ago by Jimmy-Bob's uncle.
If we look around at new stuff, we can find that many times it is not really new, but perhaps improved somehow.  There are the fancy labels of new AND improved, which to me is an oxymoron.  How could anything be improved if it wasn't there before? Improved from what? It is either new OR it is improved, pick one please.
The church tries to do that too often. We think we have created something new. "Let's try this new idea" "Lets use this Bible verse (2000 years old), and combine it with this sermon I heard (2 weeks ago but with a story that was 35 years old), and throw in a video clip (from a movie created 3 years ago) and it is new!
So can we make a case for anything new? Our church has many young families. In the last few weeks we have seen the birth of some new babies. They seem pretty new to me. They weren't here a year ago and I didn't interview the parents, but even just the idea of this person didn't exist before the parents met.  I know God knew, but these people didn't.  If we measure it against the verse mentioned earlier, certainly making babies has been done, so in that regard, a new baby is not something people haven't done before.
Happy New Year, a new car, New York.  Look how many things are labeled new. Open a new browser, write a new blog post, or let's just watch the news on television. We do think of new as better.  Who buys a used projector when you can buy a new one? Challenge the Bible verse above by telling me what you think is new under the sun. I will challenge you to think outside your definition of new and try the Bible's version.  Also keep in mind while there is nothing new for us, God can create new, and we are not God.  Read part two next week on the internet and coffee.  For those of you reading this later, you won't have to wait for next week. You can read it now.

Mergers, Easter Bunnies, and a Spanish church

We are merging with another church. Sort of. A few people are joining our congregation. I don't know if that qualifies as a merger but it sounds like we are moving forward into new things. Church mergers are scary to me if I am being honest. Rarely do two churches think alike enough to become one.
One time we were approached by a Pentecostal Spanish pastor who wanted to use our church. The building of course, not really the people; which most scholars would say is the church, but that really isn't the point.  We agreed to let them have services on Saturday nights. Not really services as in more than one, just one service around 4pm.  They wanted to bring their own sound system. I was in support of that. Too many problems to fight on Sunday morning trying to figure out what settings were changed and not put back. Little did I know that wouldn't be my problem.
I keep a small refrigerator in my office. I use it to keep drinks cold for my band and singers. One year when my daughters were young, someone at church was selling gourmet chocolate bunnies for Easter as a fundraiser for their school.  I am well aware that the selling of bunnies in church could be a whole blog subject in itself, but let's try to move past the fundraiser. I bought three of them, one for each of my girls. As a surprise, I kept them in my refrigerator at work so my daughters wouldn't know, thus the term surprise.
One happy sunday morning, as I opened my refrigerator for a drink I was horrified to see a box had been opened. upon further inspection the ears were missing from one of the bunnies. Are you kidding me? I had to wonder if the Pentecostals thought the bunnies were un-religious (my blog, my right to make up words) and chose to teach me a lesson, or if they were just hungry. Either way, they stole from my daughters. At a church. From a pastor's office.  Obviously our churches were not compatible.  Soon after, unrelated to the bunny incident, we parted ways. An un-merger, if you will.
I sometimes ponder the bunny event.  I think of Psalm 78. In the opening verse it says "Give ear O my people to my teaching"  So I know they ate the bunny during the sermon.  Then it says "incline your ears to the words of my mouth".  A bunnies ears are inclined. They stick straight up and went right into someone's mouth. What does God think about stuff like bunnies and mergers? Check out Paul's letter to the  Ephesians at the end of Chapter 2. There are no strangers or aliens. Good to know, but those History channel programs are still cool. Then something about joining together which grows into a holy temple in God. Great. But I still want my 8 dollars back. And I bet you wonder which of the three daughters got short-changed on Easter with a Walmart bunny instead of the gourmet chocolate? The truth is I really don't remember how it turned out. I suppose that is how God's grace works for me and I guess that's ok.

Man and Woman

There are many stereotypes when it comes to men and women. I love it when people compare a man's brain to a woman's brain.  You always hear the word multi-task associated with women.  Men are made to seem simple. But we are created in God's image and from what I can tell God is pretty good at multi-tasking. Don't use the word image and say it means we look like God because I am pretty sure that doesn't hold true for every human. Made in the image of, like if you are copying a disc image. You can use a different disc, and most people can't tell by looking at the outside what the image is.  Way too many sermons on this point and it wasn't what my blog is about so onward.
I think women like to shop.  Men also like to shop but only if we can make big purchases. It is lots of fun to buy a TV or a car, or something that costs a bunch of money. No fun to buy a pack of gum. Why, you may ask?  Nobody looks at the guy walking out of the store with a pack of gum.  If you are leaving the store with a big screen TV everyone looks. "Wow, I wonder where he will put that?" Suppose you shop at Sam's Club or Costco.  There are only two reasons to shop there. One is the samples. Who doesn't like free food? Don't forget about the opportunity to pretend like you might be interested in what they have on that table or that you will actually buy some after tasting it. Reason two is to buy stuff in quantity.  Not one jar of spaghetti sauce, but a whole case.  And of course everyone looks at the guy who has one of those flat carts filled with stuff. "He must own a restaurant. I wonder which one?"
Today I received email approval from our financial board to buy two new projectors for the church. These things cost a couple thousand dollars each. I can buy them online, but somehow there is no pleasure in that.  I want to talk to a person who will affirm my importance to purchase two expensive electronic things.  After all, this is the epitome of man versus woman.  If I were a caveman I would drag the projectors into the church in the middle of a sunday service and say, "Here! I bring you new projectors!" The crowd roars with excitement, despite the fact we are cavemen and they wouldn't know what a projector was. I guess I wouldn't be able to get one either, but that isn't the point.
The point is I am buying big stuff. I am made in God's image. A little bit of algebra and logic tells me God likes big stuff.  Really big stuff.  The cool part is He can make it. Universe. Big. Done. But since we are all made in the image, how does a woman have the imprint of God?  I guess He likes details and small stuff as well. Too chauvinistic of an approach to men and women? Take it up with God. It's not my fault. And be sure to say "wow" when you see the new projectors in church!

Travel Mercies

I realize that I made no blog post in July. Sorry about that. It is because I left to visit Africa for most of the month. I now have many great posts in the cue, so expect August to be a busy month.  So lets get right to it!
I don't know where the term travel mercies came from, but it is one of my favorite Christian phrases. Let's pray for "travel mercies".  It is so very generic, and yet it sounds like a good idea.  I just returned from a missions trip to Africa.  The plane ride and layover travel time combined is about 36 hours.  I have traveled many times before and I have a few travel peeves to pray for in my "mercies" request.  I will address any potential travel companions who might read this blog post.  First of all, I really don't want to switch my aisle seat for a middle seat.  Speaking of seats, if you are asked to put your seat up to accommodate the meal time, it is not for your comfort. It is for the person behind you who doesn't want your head in their face as they try to eat. So when you finish your meal you may not put the seat back until I am done. Thank you. If you are sitting next to me at the window, when I get up to use the bathroom this is a good time for you to go as well. Sorry about my mean face when I sit back down and then you decide to go. If you are sitting next to me and have long legs, sorry about that, but the boundary for my seat space extends all the way to the floor so get your legs and feet out of my space and back under your seat.  The arm rest is fair game for battle. As soon as you reach for your book or tray table I will put my arm on the arm rest. I won't move it when you pretend to rub accidentally against my arm, but I will try that trick on you.  If you bring a bratwurst sandwich onboard to eat later, pack it in a ziplock bag please.
When the plane arrives we should always applaud, even in the U.S. because it is quite a performance to land this huge piece of metal with 240 people and their stuff safely.  You are not saving any time by standing up to get your stuff early.  We all have to wait to get off the airplane anyway.  I will pretend I don't see you trying to squeeze by me to get off the plane before everyone else waiting.  And I can't hear your repeatedly saying "excuse me".  Now that I have said my part, please leave a comment telling me YOUR travel peeve. I pray for comment mercies.

Scam, Spam, and Sham

I am headed on another missions trip in a couple weeks.  I will be going back to Africa where I love to be.  The thing that always trips up people going on missions trips is the cost.  Money not only makes the world go around, but money is needed to make you go around the world.  As a person who works on staff at a church and travels at the request of others, I frequently am seeking people who support these missions both in prayer and finances.  But lets be honest. When we ask people to pray, one of the things we ask them to pray for is that the finances will come in...wink wink.  Many of my trips have taken me to Africa. So as I  look at the letters I send to people, I can't help but think of the poor people in Nigeria.  I don't mean poor in the literal sense of course. It seems there are many wealthy people in Nigeria. I use the term "poor people" as in looking for pity. They can never seem to find a helper to get the 1.2 million dollars someone has left them in a trust fund.  And if only you would help them by paying the $1000 transaction fee, they will share the money with you. Don't you ever wonder who falls for that? One day I wondered about a popular advertisement promising money. "Earn hundreds or even thousands of dollars at home stuffing envelopes. For $5.00, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to find out how."  I sent the $5.  In about a week I received my instructions in a half page letter.
1. Get a Post Office Box
2. Take out an ad for stuffing envelopes like the one you replied to
3. Put these instructions in the envelope they mail you and send it back
4. Deposit the money and celebrate!
5. This is not illegal

So there you have it. I was amused but did not follow the instructions. People have become more clever in the age of technology. A friend of mine had his email hacked recently. I have seen this email before. One morning I get the following email: "Please help me. I was on vacation with my wife when we were mugged. (insert various details of the mugging including being hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe) We are ok. (thank God!) They took everything from us but I have my phone. (imagine that)  I need you to wire $500 to us so we can get new IDs to get home." The wire transfer goes somewhere to England. When I received this email, I had talked in person to my friend not 15 minutes earlier. I walked back over into the church where I saw him and told him of his identity theft.  Then it occurred to me.  With this new scam comes new problems for me. Lets say on my trip to Africa we get robbed and I need money to get home.  When I get to an internet cafe to tell my story and ask for help, all my friends will laugh and dismiss the email as scam. I could be stuck there for months! Hmmm. Ok so as this blog comes to a close remember to pray for me as I go to Africa. Pray. Forget the finances, pray that I don't get robbed. And if you get an email from me in the next couple weeks saying I am stuck in Africa and need money to get home, pray for finances....wink wink.

You Can Have Your Cake and Make it Too!

One of the pleasures of working at a church as the music director is playing at a wedding.  I have played at many weddings and always am amazed at the choice of music people select for the day they will be wed.  Most of the time I am involved in the planning so I can hear stories behind their choice of music, but not always.  This past weekend I was a part of a wedding where I played some of the music myself and played tracks for other parts.  Good thing for the tracks since the choice in music varied from Sara Groves, to the Beatles, to the Beach Boys, to some other artists I could not name.  Beach Boys and the Beatles make you think of an older couple, but nope. The couple were in their early 20s.  So I began prelude music, only to find out the best man forgot the ring.  Not the ring of the groom, but the bride's ring.  It really wasn't worth asking how he brought one ring and not the other, but the father of the groom went to go get it.  Wedding time came and went as I played more music. 30 minutes more. 30 minutes late.  No big deal really, but guests were getting restless.  So the dad shows back up as everyone wanted to begin but alas, one more thing. The dad had prepared a three page written statement for his son the groom, that needed to be read to him before the ceremony started. And he was a slow reader.  More music.  Ceremony starts.  The song selection I was asked to play and sing consisted of one classic hymn, one contemporary worship song, and one bluegrass song. Bluegrass at the end? No. During the serving of communion, of course.  And of course this song was met with cheers and clapping and singing....or maybe just silence and stares from the older people wondering why I chose this raucous, happy clappy song.  No matter. The ceremony ended with the couple being married,  just as we planned.  Someone may have put the wrong date on the front of the program, but at least their names were spelled right, I think. Nobody would have noticed but during a 30 minute delay, what else is there to do but read the program, so everyone noticed all the typos. Nice.
On to the reception. As a music director I always get invited to the receptions. Some are better than others. We always ask who the caterer was. I can't make this stuff up.... for the wedding reception, the caterer was Bagel King.  Thats right, Bagel King.  Probably would not have been on my radar for my daughter's wedding but I have to admit...they are now.  The food was actually quite good.  Excellent appetizers, wonderful buffet style meal and great desserts. And not a single Bagel found anywhere. Nicely dressed attendants, open wine and beer bar, and flavored coffees. Fantastic...really! So the wedding cake comes out and the father of the bride who is a member of our church is arranging the layers. As I wait for the funniest video moment, I find out he made the cake. This guy who goes to our church and has never talked a bit about cooking or baking actually made the three-tier wedding cake. Wow! So I asked him how many cakes he has made.  "My first one!" he proudly tells me.  I normally leave before the cutting of the cake, but not today. I don't even like cake but I have to taste this.  He tells me how many hours went into this project, and then asks me to lie to him when I taste it and say it was good, but tell him later for sure what I thought.  I told him it was amazing.  That really wasn't a lie. The cake itself wasn't amazing as cakes go. In fact, it was a bit bland, quite heavy, and tasted a bit like next-day cake, the kind you had for dessert the night before at a friend's house and took home not in tupperware but on a paper plate covered by aluminum foil that takes half the icing away. (that was the honest part) The amazing part of the cake was that he made it. Of all the weddings I have been to I never have thought a cake was something to remember, but on this day it was.  I am sure his daughter will always remember the cake her dad baked for her on her wedding and they will remember it as the best cake ever.
I love all the references the Bible has to wedding feasts.  Its one I want to go to.  I'll bet God knows how to throw a reception.  The best food and the finest of wines. And then we bring the cake.  He probably has tasted better, but if we make it, he will eat, and say it is good. That's how it works. And I hope you get the invitation to his feast and accept!

Can You Hear Me Now?

Some companies really can hit a home run in advertising with slogans. I recall the expression "where's the beef?" that swept the nation and was used for everything from business presentations to movie critics.  Even though it is gone from mainstream advertising, I love the "can you hear me now?" slogan.   It almost always gets used when testing microphones.  The funny part is when people unfamiliar to a microphone are testing it, they will use the line as if they are the very first clever person to use it in that context. I will usually say "please speak into the mic so I can get a level for you".  They almost always respond with "test, testing" or even "check, check one, check two", since it seems to be the thing to say when checking a microphone. Then comes their best clever line such as "can you hear me now?" followed by an apprehensive glance toward me to see if I thought it was funny.  Depending on how my day is going up to that point I will smile as if amused or simply ignore the comment as if I am involved in some sort of major adjustment to make their voice sound like James Earl Jones.  As many times as we watch shows like American Idol, people are still uncertain what to do with a microphone.  Some people use it as if it were an ice cream cone, holding it in front of them careful not to tip it over.  When I explain they need to speak directly into the mic to be heard, they tilt their head, keeping the mic upright.  Others assume the pose of a rock star singer, tilting the mic up as if a tasty beverage will pour out and they can drink from it.   It works, but it looks more like the "hide your face" pose to the audience (unless you turn sideways, then it is cool).  I also like the "talk with your hand"s guy.  He holds the microphone as if it were another prop of some kind, and waves it around as he talks with his hands, oblivious to the fact he now sounds as if we have a sound system problem that is going in and out.  Then we have my favorite.  The "I don't need a microphone" people.  I am not sure if they are just terrified of a mic or actually think their voice will be heard in the large room.  This person starts with a loud "can you hear me now?" to the crowd, met with a few nods in the front row, then proceeds to talk in a diminishing volume to less than normal speaking voice.
A similar effect is achieved in writing by making the font smaller.... 
Microphones confuse people.  When faced with a tiny clip-on mic, many people will try and hold it up to their mouths as if it were.....well.....a hand held mic. Thus the name.  The clip-on mic sounds great when clipped just below the collar and terrible when placed near a necklace or chain that constantly rubs across it giving the effect of a storm approaching.  A microphone placed on a podium is usually capable of picking up the average voice at the average height.  The same people who hold a hand-held mic like an ice cream cone will grab the podium mic and try to aim it so their voice will flow down into it.  Wonderful loud noises happen and everyone turns to look at the sound booth as if they are causing the noise... despite the person wrestling with the microphone stand.  Yes it is on.  Yes we can hear you.
Can you picture Jesus and his sermon on the mount?  Enter the Audioites. This lesser-known Biblical tribe is full of trained sound guys.  They were used to design many of the amphitheaters in the old days. "Here Jesus, we need you to speak through this large cone so everyone will hear you."  Jesus says, "I don't need a microphone."  Classic.  He turns to the crowd and says "Can you hear me now?" After a few nods of approval, he turns to the disciples and says "You better write this down....."